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Things I don't want to see in post-RotS fics - The Phantom Librarian
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
fernwithy
fernwithy
Things I don't want to see in post-RotS fics
As I strain to hear my Vader muse (I am working on a post-RotS Vader-fic, first one to come into my head), I find myself...

Er, distracted.

By thoughts of scenarios I just don't want to find out exist in fanfic. Or the EU. And if they do, I think I don't want to know.

Top ten plots Fern would run screaming from
10. Padmé is really alive... because the irresistable smell of Xixor's super-pheromones woke her up.
9. Padmé is really alive... because her true love, Ferus Olin, woke her up. But before she can tell him the happy news that he's the father of the twins, his true love, Yoda, calls him away to Dagobah.
8. Where he dies in the tree cave after an epic battle with Darth Maul, who was awakened by the pheromone dude, thus setting the stage for the epic ESB vision.
7. Obi-Wan leaves Luke behind on Tatooine and goes on adventures with Fer... Oh. Oops.
6. Padmé is cloned (but with a weird, non-gene-replicating kind of cloning) and reappears with red-gold hair an an attitude.
5. Vader is redeemed by hot lovin' with everyone from Obi-Wan to Wicket, but keeps slipping back to the Dark Side because getting redeemed is too much fun.
4. The Emperor decides, after a thousand years, that what he really needs is a whole army of buxom apprentices, since the one he worked so hard to get really is such a loser.
3. Sex god!Palpatine, in any variation. I just don't want to know.
2. An army of clones is made from a hand found on Coruscant. Their shared name: Maace Wiinduu.
1. Three words: Yoda. Chewbacca. Slash.
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From: (Anonymous) Date: June 5th, 2005 04:10 am (UTC) (Link)

Vaders Mask?

If you write it, will you post it on Vaders Mask? Somewhere else? Do you have another website where you're posting things now, because I've had Vader's Mask on my favorites list for a couple of years now, and it hasn't been touched in a while. :( I really miss your fiction; you are a spectacular writer with an amazing ability to dig into the personalities of very complex characters.
From: (Anonymous) Date: June 5th, 2005 04:14 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Vaders Mask?

PS -- I noticed in ROTS that Padme said to Anakin on Mustafar something to the effect of "You're going down a path I cannot follow" which was eerily close to what you wrote Padme saying in...one of your stories. Bravo for calling it. ;)
~Wings and Rings
persephone_kore From: persephone_kore Date: June 5th, 2005 04:14 am (UTC) (Link)
...

You know, you'd think a muse potentially voiced by James Earl Jones would be able to drown those out.

...Although actually the thought of an army of Maace Wiinduus is making me giggle.
From: a_p_ Date: June 5th, 2005 04:19 am (UTC) (Link)
Okay, I was reading along okay until this...


6. Padmé is cloned (but with a weird, non-gene-replicating kind of cloning) and reappears with red-gold hair an an attitude.

That horrid, violent screaming is me from NJ. :O Please, don't ever mention Padme within 100 words of...of anyone or anything in SW related to red-gold hair without posting a warning, alright? LOL.

Having recovered enough to get through the rest of the list...


7. Obi-Wan leaves Luke behind on Tatooine and goes on adventures with Fer... Oh. Oops.

Ha! You know, as completely ridiculous as the premise is, if Vader gets to take Ferus out in some creatively painful way, there's at least the chance that something smei-redeemable could come out of that book. Maybe.


5. Vader is redeemed by hot lovin' with everyone from Obi-Wan to Wicket, but keeps slipping back to the Dark Side because getting redeemed is too much fun.

LOL!


3. Sex god!Palpatine, in any variation. I just don't want to know.

//faints dead away from the horror


2. An army of clones is made from a hand found on Coruscant. Their shared name: Maace Wiinduu.

You forgot one extra vowel to make it a real EU name. Maacee Wiinduu. Now you're talking.


1. Three words: Yoda. Chewbacca. Slash.

Aside from the actual book that's somehow been done of number 7, after ROTS, this actually has the best chance of happening in fanfic. "Good relations" Yoda has indeed. And miss Chewie he will!

**shudders**

subsidaryforge From: subsidaryforge Date: June 5th, 2005 05:00 am (UTC) (Link)

I dunno ...

A team of Mace Windu clones . . . :D
imadra_blue From: imadra_blue Date: June 5th, 2005 05:07 am (UTC) (Link)
*ded*

Are you sure this isn't the EU? *amused*

Another things I no longer want to see? Siri Tachi. I found out more about her and what people do with her in fic. No, just no.

*chucks her in the canon!Sue bin with Callista*
equustel From: equustel Date: June 5th, 2005 05:12 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, dear Lord. I'd completely forgotten about Callista until you mentioned her.

*shudder*
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aesshen From: aesshen Date: June 5th, 2005 05:12 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't know much about the EU, but didn't they already do #4? What with the Hands or whatever they're called? That's why we don't like Mara Jade, right?
And the whole cloning/resurrecting main character's mother and pairing them up is so HP. *shudders* I'm sure someone's done that fic or will soon.
Ah, yeah, I've never actually commented in your journal before, as I use my LJ account pretty much exclusively for commenting on pottersues, but I've read all your fanfics and I have to say they're some of the best out there. You've also managed to bring me into the SW fandom, while scaring me away from the EU. Which as far as I can gather is a very good thing. :) So, umm, I hope you don't think I'm too presumptuous or something commenting on a personal journal...
Oh, and who's Ferus Olin?
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: June 5th, 2005 05:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Ferus Olin is a character from the juvy series Jedi Quest, by Jude Watson. When she introduced him, I figured he was due for a serious fall--he was the perfect Jedi, so perfect that his only possible purpose was to fall. But as it turned out, Ferus existed because Jude Watson doesn't like Anakin, and wanted a padawan around that she did like, to be matched with her version of Obi-Wan, aka, St. Obi the Blameless. I stopped reading when I realized that she was just totally unable to write Anakin, but as I understand it, he's turned into the Gary Stu from hell, and now Obi-Wan's intertrilogy adventures are going to feature Ferus.
murasaki99 From: murasaki99 Date: June 5th, 2005 05:20 am (UTC) (Link)
*Dies laughing*

Re #3 - Should I tell you about the Palpatine Estrogen Brigade? :-0

#5 Does sound like fun in a squicky sort of way.

Who's Ferus Olin?

Other scary Palpatine thing I thought of that I'll add to your list:
Palpatine of Mars! Yes, Edgar Rice Burroughs' Mars, where everyone runs around in the nude. This gives me the cold sweats... probably gives Palpy's Imperial Guards nightmares. Hee.
gehayi From: gehayi Date: June 5th, 2005 05:25 am (UTC) (Link)
Burroughs had a NAKED VERSION OF MARS?

And oh, God, you just made me remember Heinlein's Podkyane. Ouch.
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lizbee From: lizbee Date: June 5th, 2005 05:28 am (UTC) (Link)
I dunno, I'd like to see you write all of the above, in the one fic.
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murasaki99 From: murasaki99 Date: June 5th, 2005 05:44 am (UTC) (Link)
You're forgetting Maul... he was handome in a thoroughly dangerous way. Of all the Sith, he'd be the most tempting, assuming one could survive the encounter. It would be dicy, kind of like dating a leopard. (Plus he'd be murder on the bed linens with those horns, but oh well.) Maybe he's one of those where if you rubbed yourself with catnip or the Zabrak equivalent... :-D

But most of the other Sith are just NOT pinup material.
lannamichaels From: lannamichaels Date: June 5th, 2005 05:38 am (UTC) (Link)
6. Padmé is cloned (but with a weird, non-gene-replicating kind of cloning) and reappears with red-gold hair an an attitude.

I'm never going to be able to look at Luke/Mara the same way. *shudders*
lazypadawan From: lazypadawan Date: June 5th, 2005 06:24 am (UTC) (Link)
LOL, I hear ya! But if you can think of it, so can the "exceptional talents" who provide most of the stories for FanFiction.net.
lauraflute From: lauraflute Date: June 5th, 2005 07:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Why Fern, don't you remember the infamous "speederbike I am?" fic?
lothi From: lothi Date: June 5th, 2005 09:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Now that was sick...

I remember a series of fics where the real Sith was Palpatine's evil twin Maurice, and Palpatine was doin' the dirty with Sabe while Obi-Wan was sneaking off to meet Valorum behind the Senate.
kelleypen From: kelleypen Date: June 5th, 2005 01:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
See, I saw #7 and I didn't fill in Ferus--I filled in Fern. I saw you suddenly as this closet Obi-Wan fan girl, not wanting to reveal your deep seated infactuation and desire to be Obi Wan's Mary Sue. Then I read the comments and found out you're still too good for that. Shucks. It would have been such fun.
author_by_night From: author_by_night Date: June 5th, 2005 02:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ack! And you know, those things are going to happen. I'm not even in the fandom, but I know fandom in general well enough.

darth_pipes From: darth_pipes Date: June 5th, 2005 04:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
I agree with everything you wrote.

I don't know what the knock on Siri is. To me, she's the best character the EU ever produced. She works because she was meant to compliment Obi-Wan, not replace him. Now, I have a hard time believing Obi-Wan would engage in a relationship with anyone. He's just too much of a conservative Jedi to do that. But Siri is a terrific character and had good chemistry with Obi-Wan.

Now Ferus...talk about a terrible character. I'm waiting for the EU to have him marry Asajj Ventress and for her to give birth to Mara and Bria.
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