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An informal survey for younger siblings - The Phantom Librarian
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
fernwithy
fernwithy
An informal survey for younger siblings
For the same essay as the older sib survey, though a bit less involved. This is basically about what you expect of your older siblings vs what you expect of your parents.


1. What do you expect of your older sibling(s) when your parents are present?

2. What do you expect of your older sibling(s) when your parents are not, for whatever reason, present for an extended period?

3. What do you expect of your parents, and is that answer different from #2?
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fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: June 6th, 2005 06:06 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Semi-Off-Topic

I don't know. I'm actually contrasting their expectations in the essay--Obi-Wan says, "You were my brother!" while Anakin says (in a rather horrified tone of voice when Obi-Wan quips that Anakin will be the death of him), "You're like my father." The essay is going to look at the different expectations each of them has in the relationship, and how those differing expectations contribute to their problems.
(Deleted comment)
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: June 6th, 2005 06:33 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Semi-Off-Topic

But fatherless Anakin is still seeking a father, and Obi-Wan is who he has. Obi-Wan has gone into the more comfortable relationship, but Anakin is at loose ends, and Palpatine is exploiting the hell out of it--if he'd called Anakin "Son" one more time, I'd have Force-choked him, but Anakin laps it up desperately, because a father is what he needs most in the galaxy.
akilika From: akilika Date: June 6th, 2005 06:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
I guess I'll do two sets of answers--one for Now, and one for Then. Use whichever is more appropriate.

(Also, assuming that I'm elligible as a middle sibling.)

Now

1 - I expect my sister to be polite--something she hasn't actually fallen down on. I was worried the first time or two that Mom came to visit, 'cause Older Sister has a bit of a gripe with her . . . but no, she's nothing less than smiling and engaged in conversation when Mom's over. That's really all I expect of her when mom's here that I don't expect otherwise.

2 - I . . . expect free room and board, I expect her to be nice to me. I expect her to be patient with my shortfalls, and I expect her to try to help me when I ask her for help (though I try not to do this often.) I expect her to take care of my needs when I present them (for instance, not just food, but shampoo and other periferals.) I expect . . . oh, I probably expect more, but that's all I can think of. It's an awful lot . . .

3 - My expectation of my mother and father are different. My father, I expect to visit every week and take me out for lunch; I expect him to give me money when I present the need. (I might feel more bad about this if the plan hadn't been for me to live with him, before he fell down on the deal. Probably because of his girlfriend, but still.) I expect him to accomodate me for an occassional afternoon when I come over to his house. I . . . can't think of what else I expect.

I expect my mother to lend an ear when I need one, and to more or less serve as agony aunt. I expect her to hold my best interests at heart, and to give me a call once in a while.


And now, for Then--being while I was in middle school, Older Sister was in high school, and such.


1 - I don't know what I expected of my older sister when Mom was there. This was when she was starting to be out more often--which makes sense, 'cause Mom was starting to be in more often. Really, of all I remember, most of my expectations came when Mom wasn't there . . . otherwise, I was jealous of her in various ways, and strived to live up to her in various ways, but I don't know that there was a whole lot of expectation involved.

2 - I expected my older sister to be fair and to . . . well, provide necessities. I guess this was less necessary now than it was when I was younger (though I can't remember younger very well), but . . . yeah. I expected her to be the authority, to be responsible, and to be . . . well, Boss, I guess.

She and Younger Sister argued so much that I generally managed to avoid attention, for the most part, though.


3 - I expected my father to come and take us all out for lunch weekly, and I expected five dollars at these times. I expected his company. That's . . . really about it.

I expected my mother to be . . . well, yeah, largely what #2 was. Pretty much.



I hardly consider myself the norm, but hopefully it helps some. ^^;
justjanuary From: justjanuary Date: June 6th, 2005 07:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
1. and 2. Honestly, I don't really see my brother as an older sibling. He does less work, needs more care, and the few times he has tried to behave like an older sibling with any sort of authority, it ended badly.

3. Yes, it is different. I expect my parents to protect me, to take care of me, and to listen to my chatter.
lothi From: lothi Date: June 6th, 2005 08:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
Pretty complicated questions for me, as I am the youngest of four and my expectation of each of my older siblings is different, but I'll make this fairly generic.

1 & 2. When we were kids, my expectation was for them to pay attention to me - play with me, read to me, teach me things, etc. With my sisters, this tended to take the form of bossing me around, babying me and trying to dress me up in ridiculous clothes, whereas with my brother, it was to teach me how to be a boy, how to be tough. He showed me things, but didn't coddle - he never let me win and he didn't pull punches. I also expected protection from those older and meaner than me, whether such protection was justified or not. When our parents were not around, I expected them to provide necessities like food, or making sure I didn't get hurt. Some of those tendencies are still there in adulthood - I look to them for advice on different things, like parenthood, money, real estate, etc. But it's more of an interdependence now - for example, I'm the one they all turn to if their computers blow up, or their cars need work, or basically anything they own needs to be repaired.

3. As a kid, protection, not just physically, but from hard knocks and hurt feelings of life, and the depradations of my older siblings. Mom and Dad were the ones who say "Great game!" when I lost - my brother and sisters would say "You suck" but then show me how to do it better. Now I look to my parents for advice, but but also for reassurance that I'm doing the right things.
story645 From: story645 Date: June 6th, 2005 09:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
Twin with no other sibs, so do should I do the younger or older survey?
chocolatepot From: chocolatepot Date: June 6th, 2005 10:07 pm (UTC) (Link)

(Her Younger Brother)

1. She can be quite cranky (though she won't admit it) and ocasionaly smacks me.


2.She is very nice and we usually watch Tv.


3.They are nice and I usually give a grateful sigh when sis leaves. my parents are nice but they fight to.

((From the sister: Take with pinch of salt, please.))

chocolatepot From: chocolatepot Date: June 6th, 2005 10:10 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: (Her Younger Brother)

Ought to say: I'm seventeen and he's twelve.
stephantom From: stephantom Date: June 6th, 2005 10:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm the fourth of five kids, and basically the middle child (my older sisters are 25, 23 and 23, while my brother is 12, and I am 17). So I suppose I can fill out both of your surveys...

1. When my parents are present, I expect my older siblings to kind of take the lead in conversation usually and go off discussing things they've been thinking of lately, how they've been doing and stuff, things that have been troubling them. I expect to be... not ignored but, you know, allowed to kind of sit there quietly and jump in if I want, but mostly keep to myself. I expect them to be polite and talkative and mature. --One of my sisters, Katie, tends to criticize my mom a lot which makes me really angry.

2. When my parents are not around, I expect them to be more fun and crazy. I still like to have really deep, thoughtful conversations with them, but it's also fun to just be stupid and laugh a lot, turning up the radio in the car and singing. They've given me alcohol from time to time, along with warnings to be responsible about it. I am not as close with my oldest sister Katie because we're just very different people, while another one of my sisters, Liz, I think of as a best friend because we always understand each other. The difference between an older sibling and a peer is that they have experience and therefore have better advice. They know what you're going through and what's coming next. They also are part of the same family, so they know every situation you're dealing with in a way no friend ever could.

I don't expect criticism either because I don't feel it's their place to criticize me really, as with my oldest sister, or because we are too much like friends, as with Liz. Katie yelling at me and telling me that I need new friends just makes me irritated; Liz telling me to shut up and stop complaining and being mean makes me instantly burst into tears.

So, in conclusion, I'd say an older sibling is a strange mix of a mentor and a playmate. There's a competitiveness there too-- you want to live up to what your older siblings did, or not repeat mistakes they made.

3. Well, it depends on which parent. My father, I really don't expect much from, although I want a lot more. I want him to be affectionate and invite me over to his place for dinner or to a movie every couple months or something, and not act like he doesn't care about me. I expect him to tell me I did a good job on my report card when I show him. I did expect him to say "happy birthday" on my birthday, but I guess that's something to give up on. I'm not too great about stuff like that either anyway.

My mother, on the other hand, is probably the most important person in my life. When I was a little younger, I didn't feel as comfortable talking to her about things as I now do -- I'd tell her almost anything (except something like the fact that I smoked weed.. which I was able to tell my sisters). I expect from my mother unconditional love. I expect her to push me, but to also let me, to an extent, figure things out myself. I expect her to trust me, but to always tell me her feelings about something. I expect her to accept my opinions when we debate about different issues, but challenge my ideas for me. I expect her to always be sympathetic and understanding. Basically, I expect my mother to be... perfect. It seems like a lot, but she pretty much always lives up to it.
darreldoomvomit From: darreldoomvomit Date: June 6th, 2005 11:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
1. What do you expect of your older sibling(s) when your parents are present?

expect as in, expectations, or as in how i know he'll act?
the first would be, i would expect my bro. to look take my side in most arguments, and generally be a team w/ me. what really happens, if we are mad at eachother, we are on the other side of arguments, if we aren't mad, then we stick together.
2. What do you expect of your older sibling(s) when your parents are not, for whatever reason, present for an extended period?
look out for me, make jokes about beating up boys, pay when we do stuff that costs money. usually though, he just ignores me completly. then jokes about killing boys.

3. What do you expect of your parents, and is that answer different from #2?
definitly. i expect my parents to well, parent me. my brother is there to make sure i don't kill myself. my parents ar ethere to make sure i grow up healthy and happy and all that.
darreldoomvomit From: darreldoomvomit Date: June 6th, 2005 11:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
ps. i am the younger sister of a boy. this means we have little in common. we aren't friends. we are 4 years apart which is a awkward gap at this point in time. when i was 7, he was 11. when i was 13, he was already way old. the gap is getting less important now, im 17 hes 21. we are starting to have more of the same ideas, we can watch the same movies etc. so, with age, we get closer.
From: inyron Date: June 7th, 2005 08:37 am (UTC) (Link)
I've had a kind of... intense relationship with my older brother, ever since our mother died when I was in High School. But it's still definitely a sibling dynamic, so I'll do my best to answer the questions.

1. To deflect our father's negative attention away from me. To be the calm, rational, reasonable one. To make sense of my answers and put them in a more coherent form, whenever I stick my foot in my mouth. To back me up when I'm right, and let me know (privately) when I'm wrong. To include me in the conversation, even when it doesn't seem I have a part (the grown-ups are talking "grown-up stuff." I'm 24, but in college, so I don't count.)

2. Fun! We have a lot of fun together, especially when he can let loose. He's also way more apt to tease me then, and get his lecture on when he sees me eating something he thinks I shouldn't, or spending money he thinks I shouldn't. He would never do that in front of my dad and step-mom. I always, always get pissed and snippy about it, since I don't think it's his business, but he thinks it is, especially since he knows I'm not close with dad.

3. What do I expect of your parents? Aww, crap. They give lectures too, obviously, and they're less nice about it (my dad usually lectures when he's in a bad mood, not situationally.) And I'm not allowed to get snippy with them, ESPECIALLY my step-mom. I... I expect them to give me good birthday presents, and to email me when I haven't gotten in touch in a while, and to love me, even when we're all disagreeing with each other. I don't expect to have fun with them, but only because our fun-making hobbies are different. I expect them to worry about me, in the good and bad ways. I don't expect emotional support. But then, I don't have a mother anymore, so I'm proabaly a bad test case for this question.
malabud From: malabud Date: June 7th, 2005 09:35 am (UTC) (Link)
I am third of seven children and the middle daughter, so I've experienced being both the younger and older sibling. Since you have so many older-sibling responses, many of which resonate with my own experiences, I thought I would answer this survey instead.

1. It depends on the occasion and our ages at the time. When we were children, my older sisters would generally defer to our parents in matters pertaining to the other children. We were all kids together, and they were the parents. There was a bit of a pecking order depending on age, however. I resented it if my older sisters attempted to "boss" me if Mom was at home and had not specifically requested their help. (And sometimes even if she had!)

Nowadays, all of my siblings are adults. Therefore, we feel much more equal to each other and mostly treat each other as peers, especially if Mom and Dad are present. We also know that we will never truly be equal with our parents. Although we may sometimes act like Mom and Dad are peers, we know they are not.

When our parents are around, we let them handle family matters. If a sibling, younger or older, is doing something with which we may disagree or having difficulties with something, we will leave it to our parents to deal with it. If our parents are not present, however, it's a different story. (See more in #2.)

2. As children, the older siblings always took responsibility for the younger siblings when Mom and Dad were not around. I have always looked to my older sisters for help and guidance, although I have not always gotten along with them. I naturally deferred to them when our parents were absent. That's just the way it was.

Now that we are all adults, we still sometimes fall into those same older/younger sibling patterns. For instance, if there's a family get-together to be planned, it's usually one of my two older sisters who organizes things and makes assignments for everyone else. I am perfectly able to do the same, but again, they are older, so I defer to them without even realizing it. My second-oldest sister is very curious. She wants to know exactly what is going on in everyone's lives. She is not a busybody, nor does she gossip, but she somehow feels she is entitled to know everything because she is an older sibling.

A younger sibling can never shake off the sense that older sister (or brother) knows better. I've had both my older sisters speak sharply to me about things I've done, even as an adult. I did not take kindly to the rebukes, but upon reflection, I needed to be pulled up short. I resented it at the time, but I did not say so. Now, I am thankful for it. Mom or Dad would have done the same thing, but they were not there. It would be a little difficult for me to call my older sisters on something they were doing wrong. On the other hand, I could probably do that much more easily in the case of a younger sibling.

We siblings look out for each other, no matter our ages or locations. I help out my older siblings just as often as I help my younger siblings. I feel more responsible for the younger ones, especially those new to adulthood and just barely out on their own.

3. I am assuming you mean now, as an adult. Hmm. I expect my parents to love me no matter what and want what is best for me. Though I may not like it, they also need to tell me when I'm going in the wrong direction. I need them to support me in my righteous decisions, even if it's not what they personally would choose.

My parents have already been through my stage of life, whereas my sisters and I are still in the middle of it together. Thus, my older sisters cannot be as farseeing as my parents. Because they've already experienced much of life, my parents can see pitfalls and obstacles that I cannot.

However, my parents cannot relate to me as my siblings can. My older siblings and I are of the same generation, so their concerns are often my own, or will be my own in a few years. I guess what I am trying to say is, my older sisters are my immediate support, but my parents are my long-term support. I know my older sisters will be around longer than my parents, but I cannot think of a better way to put it.

I hope you find my long-windedness helpful. *g*
From: godrics_h Date: June 7th, 2005 10:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
Im also a younger sibling. My sister is 7 years older, and I have never expected anything of her, in any way.
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