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Teddy Lupin and the Hunter's Moon, Chapter 8: The Great Distraction, pt. 1 - The Phantom Librarian
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
fernwithy
fernwithy
Teddy Lupin and the Hunter's Moon, Chapter 8: The Great Distraction, pt. 1
Teddy's gotten the whole story of his father's life among Greyback's wolves, and has felt a bit too old for his own taste, so he sneaks out with Victoire and the Marauder's Map to prowl around the school. They look at the Map and notice Donzo sneaking out of Ravenclaw Tower with a second-year girl named Melania Khetran, and decide to go out and meet them, only to discover the horrifying truth that they aren't just out prowling around together... they're going together! And she calls him "Donnie!" Egads! ;p

Table of Contents and Summary So Far




Donzo blinked stupidly, and even in the dimness of the entrance hall, Teddy could tell he was blushing. "Lupin... what're you... er... why are you...?" Frantically, he took the girl's hand and turned her around, like he was presenting her on a stage. "Do you know Lani Khetran?"

Victoire hiccuped a laugh, and when Teddy turned to look at her, her hand was over her mouth.

Lani stepped forward aggressively, hands on her hips. "Do you have problem with my name?"

Victoire shook her head. "It's just... Lani and Donnie... it... rhymes, sort of."

Lani's mouth twitched, then she laughed.

Donzo looked deeply uncomfortable. "What were you doing? Where were you going?"

"I suspect," a voice said from an adjoining corridor, "that you were all headed to the hospital wing, and one of you is so badly cursed that he or she needed three escorts to get there." Professor Longbottom stepped out into the dim light, Vivian a bit behind him, her mouth covered much as Victoire's was, her single good eye twinkling. Professor Longbottom raised his eyebrows. "No? Everyone seems in good health."

"We were just..." Teddy started, but couldn't finish. He looked to Donzo.

"Just, er..." He looked wildly at Lani.

"We were sneaking out," she said.

"Thank you, Miss Khetran," Professor Longbottom said. "For being honest, I'll only take five points from each of you." He rolled his eyes. "Go on back upstairs. Now."

Donzo and Lani ran quickly toward Ravenclaw, but as Teddy started up, he felt Professor Longbottom's hand on his arm. "What is it?"

"Teddy, you're safe enough inside, I think, but please don't sneak outside. The same goes for you, Victoire."

Teddy nodded, but Greyback seemed an extremely distant concern.

He walked Victoire back upstairs, quickly brought the Charms book Ron and Hermione had given him to the Common Room, and taught her how to make her roommates' shoes sing. He was not surprised to awaken the next morning to the sound of Celestina Warbeck's voice rising above the mixed laughter and irritation of the first year girls. To his relief, two of them seemed to be talking nicely to Victoire. She seemed to perk up a bit.

The loss of points from Ravenclaw and Gryffindor brought the evening's events to the attention of the entire third year, and Donzo's secret became the primary topic of conversation among the boys for the next week.

Maurice Burke pretended to be deeply insulted, as he was Donzo's best mate and hadn't known a thing. "She's probably just a groupie," he huffed after Divination one day. "He's probably embarrassed to be going out with a groupie."

There was much discussion of Lani's relative merits, and of Donzo's motivation for going out with her ("I like her!" he said helplessly when pressed on the subject, though this somehow didn't seem like enough of an answer). This discussion inevitably led to the more disturbing topic of whether they all ought to get girlfriends now, and how such a thing was done, and which girls were particularly interesting. Teddy dropped Ruthless's name into a list of girls they were talking about, and the response to the idea of her as anyone's girlfriend was such great hilarity that he thought it might be wise not to mention her again.

Teddy found himself flipping back through To The End of the Earth, re-reading the passages he'd skimmed, which dealt with love business, and particularly with kissing, as witches seemed to like this sort of thing, so he guessed it was what they'd expect. He was disappointed to find that it didn't actually explain how to kiss, except that stars were meant to explode and the sea was supposed to keep the rhythm, which sounded like something of a tall order.

From the depths of his fifth-year experience, Frankie Apcarne advised them that they oughtn't start going out until they found very special girls. He hadn't found such a girl himself, which was why he still didn't have a girlfriend. This was not a comforting line of reasoning. Zachary Templeton suggested that they ought to just take the plunge into the lake and get it over with.

"Are you lot going to?" Maurice asked them anxiously on the way to Care of Magical Creatures, after Donzo had gone ahead a bit to avoid being repeatedly called "Donnie" and having eyelashes batted at him. Maurice, looking deeply disturbed, said, "Brendan Lynch is going out with Honoria now. Since this morning. I heard him ask her in the Common Room."

This was met with general disgust. Tinny Gudgeon abruptly decided to run ahead and join Donzo.

"Franklin Driscoll asked Lizzie Richardson," Corky said. "But she said no. What do you do if they say no? Just pick another one?"

"Why'd she say no?" Teddy asked. "Franklin's a decent bloke!"

"I don't know," Corky said, mystified. "She didn't say. So are you going to ask anyone, Lupin?"

Teddy didn't answer. He was thinking that Ruthless's hands were sort of pretty, and he might like to hold one of them. "What about you, Roger?"

"Well," Roger Young said, "I didn't mention anything, but I have a Muggle girlfriend back at home."

"You do?" Teddy asked. "What's her name?"

Roger thought about it for a moment, then said, "Her name is Jillian. She has blond hair, and she likes science."

"Do you have a picture?" Corky asked.

"Er... no."

Corky shook his head, then took a deep breath and said, "Do any of you guys like Laura Chapman?"

They all looked at him, grave doubts growing in their minds, and the next morning, he was seen at the Hufflepuff table at breakfast, smiling fatuously at pretty Laura while she ate the world's smallest breakfast.

At his Patronus lesson that night, Teddy was able to get a steady white glow, almost solid, and Uncle Harry praised him for his progress.

"I know you don't think you're getting anywhere, but that's quite good," he said.

"Thanks." Teddy cast it again.

"You seem a bit distracted, though."

"Do you think I ought to have a girlfriend?"

"What?"

"Well, you know--Donzo's got one, and Corky's going out with Laura, and..."

"Already?" Uncle Harry shook his head and sat down. "Teddy, there are better reasons to have a girlfriend than that all of your mates are doing it. It's not a race. Is there a girl you like?"

"Well... yes," Teddy admitted.

Uncle Harry looked surprised. "I didn't know that."

"Did you have a girlfriend third year? How do you ask?"

"Well, I--" Uncle Harry frowned. "I didn't, entirely. I asked Parvati to go to a dance with me, but Cho just sort of... followed me around a bit. And that was fifth year."

"What about Aunt Ginny?"

"I didn't so much ask Aunt Ginny as just kiss her--sixth year--and she got the point, but I don't recommend that unless you're really, really sure."

"I'm not."

Uncle Harry rubbed his scar absently and blinked, still looking a little stunned. "Teddy, has your granny talked to you about... girls?"

"About sex, you mean?" Teddy nodded. "When I was eight. Granny's a Healer. There were diagrams involved. I know how it works. Also, I've read some of Mum's books. I'm not sure how to make stars explode."

Uncle Harry turned very red. "I don't think you need to worry about exploding stars just yet, Teddy."

Teddy nodded, tried another Patronus charm (he thought he was beginning to see a sort of hovering shape in it), then said, "I was thinking of asking... someone... to have lunch with me during Hogsmeade weekend. The first one is Saturday."

"I know. Andromeda and I had quite a long conversation about whether or not you should have your permission slip. I convinced her you'd be easier to keep an eye on if you were with your friends than if you snuck in on your own. And we will be keeping an eye on you, which might not make for a particularly private lunch." He started to say something else, then just sighed. "Let's have some supper, shall we? Aunt Ginny sent a stew."

The next morning, Tinny Gudgeon was spotted talking chummily to Roger's roommate, Joe Palmer.

In the library after lunch, Roger said that he might ask Lizzie Richardson to go to Hogsmeade with him, or perhaps Jane Hunter.

"What about Jillian?" Maurice asked snidely.

"Jillian broke up with me," Roger told them, after looking puzzled for a moment. "I had an owl from her."

"You had an owl from your Muggle girlfriend, and the Ministry wasn't all over you?"

"She... well, we were so close that she had special permission to know. Anyway, do you think I should ask Lizzie or Jane?"

Maurice walked away in disgust, and sat down by the rejected Franklin Driscoll. Teddy would have followed, but Roger was still looking at him anxiously.

He shrugged. "Er... flip a Knut, or something."

Roger seemed stunned by the wisdom of this advice, and began rooting through his book bag for loose gold.
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victorialupin From: victorialupin Date: October 19th, 2007 04:55 am (UTC) (Link)
What do you do if they say no? Just pick another one?

LOL! The minds of teenage boys ...
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 05:03 am (UTC) (Link)
I loved in GoF when Ron and Harry are mystified about how to separate a girl from the pack, and Ron suggests that the lasso one.
sonetka From: sonetka Date: October 19th, 2007 04:56 am (UTC) (Link)
I love it - pure comic relief (and thank you so much for doing it TODAY - I was a juror on a trial that ended today and it has been an awful, awful day). I love Roger's "girlfriend" - all that was missing was him saying 'You wouldn't know her, she's from Canada."

And Cho followed Harry around a bit? It's good to see that even the wonderful Harry Potter is prone to editing his own past a bit :). (And when it comes to things like middle-school crushes, who wouldn't?)
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 05:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, Cho did follow him around fifth year. Harry just sort of neglected to mention that he'd been fantasizing about her for two years prior to that... ;p

all that was missing was him saying 'You wouldn't know her, she's from Canada."

I considered it. Believe me.
demonoflight From: demonoflight Date: October 19th, 2007 05:02 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, god, these kids, they're so thirteen!

"I'm not sure how to make stars explode."

Oh, Teddy.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 05:06 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, god, these kids, they're so thirteen!

Thanks! Success. :D
marikenobi From: marikenobi Date: October 19th, 2007 05:04 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm not sure how to make stars explode

heh heh...

sorry, I'm 5 years old (or at least spend too much time with 'em)

Love this chapter. Just what I needed after a long night of Parent/Teacher conferences...
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 05:06 am (UTC) (Link)
Glad to be of service.
persephone_kore From: persephone_kore Date: October 19th, 2007 05:06 am (UTC) (Link)
Excuse me while I giggle hysterically. :D

Poor Harry! And here he was, as of fourth year, approaching the task of getting a date for the Yule Ball with much the same "Well, it's got to be done and I guess it's got to be me" attitude as he approached dealing with Voldemort. Although I suppose he developed more enthusiasm, of differing sorts, on both subjects later.

Also, considering the segue, I don't think he realized Teddy was figuring the stars were supposed to explode at just a kiss....
persephone_kore From: persephone_kore Date: October 19th, 2007 05:07 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh! And I also really liked that Lani laughed instead of being huffier at Victoire's explanation.
ladylothwen From: ladylothwen Date: October 19th, 2007 05:07 am (UTC) (Link)
Comedy Gold.
Just a collective Oh Boys...
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 05:13 am (UTC) (Link)
Luff them!
willowbough From: willowbough Date: October 19th, 2007 05:19 am (UTC) (Link)
Ah, adolescence. Couldn't help snickering over the way Teddy's classmates are going about acquiring girlfriends/boyfriends as if they were the newest hot accessory, like Pokemon cards or Beany Babies. Ånd then breaking up with them days after getting together!

Harry's attempt to suss out whether Teddy knew the Facts of Life was priceless too. I can imagine Harry dreading the eventuality of having to explain them himself. Even at thirteen, Teddy seems a bit more on the ball about the opposite sex than his godfather at the same age. And since everyone else seems intimidated by Ruthless, he's got a clear shot at her.

Lani and Donnie? They're doomed! Although I did like Victoire managing to have a perfectly normal interaction with another girl close to her own age. She'll get the hang of socializing yet, even if it does take her longer than most.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 05:48 am (UTC) (Link)
Couldn't help snickering over the way Teddy's classmates are going about acquiring girlfriends/boyfriends as if they were the newest hot accessory, like Pokemon cards or Beany Babies.

Oh, I remember 6-8 grade. :headdesk: Sooner or later, they'll start with the passing around of messages (this will probably be around the time the girls take over). Eg, Laura goes over to Roger to tell him that Jane has found out that he fancies her, and is willing to go out with him, if he wants to send the message back with her. And then he says he is, so Laura shuttles back and forth to arrange the time and place for the proper asking-out. Then Jane and Laura and all of the other girls (except Tinny, who thinks it's stupid) do Divination tricks to find out what the names of Jane and Roger's children will be.
gloryforever From: gloryforever Date: October 19th, 2007 05:53 am (UTC) (Link)
Gosh, this chapter had me giggling so much I nearly woke up the entire house.

For some reason, I love the mental image of Harry blushing =P
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 02:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
Asking Harry about girls is sort of like asking Sirius how to keep out of trouble.
summoner_lenne9 From: summoner_lenne9 Date: October 19th, 2007 05:58 am (UTC) (Link)
Fernwithy- well, first off, I haven't read this chapter yet. I've actually decided to hold off on anymore of Teddy stories until I finish reading Shifts and Shades (am currently on chapter 18 of Shifts). But I'm going to San Fransisco this weekend and thought about all that time in the car without being able to read your writing, and promptly grabbed scratch paper, and printed out the next 7 chapter's for me of Shifts (some 40-some pages at size 6 font, number some 42,277 words). ... This may have been overly enthustatic, since I doubt I'll read that much in the car there, and then I might read this weekend at my godmother's, hence ruining the whole point of printing it out and screwing myself over....

But there you go, almost 50,000 words of your fic to sustain me tommorow through school and car trip :). Do you have it calcuated how many word's you've written for all your fics btw? Because I'm... wondering now o_0.

*I'll read more Teddy in a week or two, once I'm done with Shades*
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 02:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hope you like them! I have no idea how many words I've written. Each little section averages 1500-1800 words. And then there are challenges and one-shots and drabbles and fic in other fandoms...
From: kobegrace Date: October 19th, 2007 06:33 am (UTC) (Link)
Shoot -- this was FUNNY!
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 02:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks!
got_it_bub From: got_it_bub Date: October 19th, 2007 06:34 am (UTC) (Link)
oh i love that teddy doesn't have any awkwardness talkin bout the birds and the bees. I'd turn 7 shades of red talkin to an adult about it!
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 02:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
I made Andromeda into a weird version of my mother a long time ago--right down to the sex ed conversation involving diagrams. Also, her nursing textbooks. :) So Teddy is fairly clueless that Harry might find this awkward, though he's also quite in the dark about how the biology lecture relates to real-life girls.
From: lianna_blanca Date: October 19th, 2007 07:01 am (UTC) (Link)
Not that you NEED anyone else to tell you how great this part is, Fern, but... that was GREAT! I'm giggling hysterically STILL... oh, my... adolescence. Do wait while I shudder at the memory...

And poor Harry. "exploding stars"...
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 02:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ah, yes, adolescence. The part of life so painful that we continue to go back until the end of eternity.
kiwi_kimi From: kiwi_kimi Date: October 19th, 2007 07:11 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm so glad Donzo's girlfriend isn't called Marie, because, well, "Donny and Marie" has a certain resonance for those of us old enough to remember :-)

Nice work on those awkward, mystifying days of early adolescence!
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 02:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm so of that certain age. I had the 11.5" dolls, with microphones stuck through their hands on pegs.

thornyrose42 From: thornyrose42 Date: October 19th, 2007 08:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh dear this is priceless, absolutly priceless, mainly because it reminds me so much of what happened in my third form. One couple went out for a whole two and a half weeks! As I recall we used to hang over the banisters up to our dorms to listen to teh two of them who were under the stairs. Not the most romantic of experiences for them.

Trouble is I imagine that if this goes on much longer and considering how small the year is, everyone will have gone out with everyone before they finish.

I loved Teddy's conversation with Harry. It really highlighted the fact that Harry really did live in his own little world for most of his early years at Hogwarts. He didn't even think about asking Cho out in third year. Also I love how he didn't mention the fact that he asked Cho and she turned him down, but only because he'd spent so much time worrying about it. I feel that might have helped Teddy out a bit.

All the dialoge in this is brilliant. And do I already get hints that the girls are starting to organise things to suit them. Tinny asking Roger to ask his friend... ah down that road complications lie. Oh and did I mention that I love these boys "Er... flip a Knut, or something." Maybe I ought to be insulted but... it would be histerical if Roger actually tried to ask out who ever it turns out to be by saying: "Well you won the coin toss so how about it...?" Then when she storms of shouting that Teddy suggested it. Hee, boys.

And possibly the only thing preventing Roger from saying that his girlfriend lives in Canada is that Corky would then ask where and the only place he can think of is where Corky lives.

Anyway, brilliant chapter!

fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 02:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think Harry may have self-edited that... and probably doesn't want to admit to his godson that his first attempt was "Wangoballwime?"

Trouble is I imagine that if this goes on much longer and considering how small the year is, everyone will have gone out with everyone before they finish.

Well, there are half again as many boys as girls (9-6), so it's probably a good thing that Teddy and Donzo are looking outside their years. Of course, Tinny has a crush on Frankie, so she's probably not going to go with anyone. And everyone but Corky and Brendan would run in horror at the prospect of Honoria, and Corky won't 'fess up to his exceptionalism in this matter.
dudley_doright From: dudley_doright Date: October 19th, 2007 08:48 am (UTC) (Link)
*flails wildly*

this is adorable =)
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 02:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you!
alkari From: alkari Date: October 19th, 2007 09:00 am (UTC) (Link)
* dies laughing* Oh, they are SO teenage boys ... their collective, er, wisdom about girls is a joy! And Harry's discussion, plus how Ginny got the point ... ROTFL again. Just what I needed to read after yet another court appearance against Mum's Neighbour from Hell.

I caught a tiny typing omission early on, when Teddy is thinking about Ruthless. the response to the idea of her as anyone's girlfriend was such great hilarity that he thought it might be wise not to mention her again. I think you've missed a "greeted with" or "met with" after "was" .

fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 02:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
It was "the response... was great hilarity," but I don't like the way the sentence flows; I'm going to change it.

Glad to give a giggle after a day in court.
purebristles From: purebristles Date: October 19th, 2007 09:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh Fern, this starts my weekend off on a wonderful giggly note.

> "Already?" Uncle Harry shook his head and sat down.

You should have added "in a daze". :) I love Uncle Harry!
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 02:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think "in a daze" may well be implied. The squalling little baby with turquoise hair is asking about THIS? ;p
(Deleted comment)
From: (Anonymous) Date: October 19th, 2007 02:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, this was not like my experience at all - I got asked out aged 12, when I felt far too young even to take the question seriously, and said no so emphatically that they never asked again. I didn't have a boyfriend until university, aged 21.

I think in many British accents Lani and Donnie would nearly rhyme. In others they wouldn't much, just as you say.

This whole chapter/section is really hilarious, though. I think I may just have to reread it now!

Alex
cornedbee From: cornedbee Date: October 19th, 2007 10:58 am (UTC) (Link)
This chapter is absolutely hilarious.

Myself, I was spared this period in life on account of being way too introverted to react to anything.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 03:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
I was just that smart, ugly girl, so I didn't have to put up with much of it myself, which gave me a nice, unfettered view. ;p
shiiki From: shiiki Date: October 19th, 2007 11:33 am (UTC) (Link)
They are so perfectly thirteen! I'm fiercely reminded of Ron and Harry and their absolute cluelessness approaching the Yule Ball ... heh heh. Thanks for the humorous segment! It's great! *tries not to snort out spaghetti while giggling*
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 03:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
I loved the Yule ball work-up!
kizmet_42 From: kizmet_42 Date: October 19th, 2007 12:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
I guess asking Luna out in 6th year doesn't count, because they went as friends.

So, will Teddy get the courage up to ask out Ruthless? Tune in tomorrow...
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 03:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
I guess asking Luna out in 6th year doesn't count, because they went as friends.

Either that, or he forgot. ;p
allie_meril From: allie_meril Date: October 19th, 2007 12:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
(Ugh, my computer betrayed me and decided to break, forcing me to buy a new hard drive and lose all my data. This meant I had NO INTERNET, and more importantly, no Teddy! I missed him very much.)

This is all completely adorable! All their worries about girls, Harry blushing when Teddy says that Andromeda's already given him The Talk, Roger's *cough* girlfriend back home.... All very adorable.

I hope that Victoire gets along with her roommates a bit better now. Maybe they see that she's not so bad after all. :)
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 03:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
AAAGH! No internet! It's horrible and terrible. ;p

Glad you liked it!
hermia7 From: hermia7 Date: October 19th, 2007 01:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Bwahahahahaaaaa. Wow, this is hysterical. You have certainly benefited from your spot observing the teenagers of Boston wandering through.

Particularly hilarious:
except that stars were meant to explode and the sea was supposed to keep the rhythm, which sounded like something of a tall order.
....Yeah.
He hadn't found such a girl himself, which was why he still didn't have a girlfriend.
Aw, Frankie. He is a terminal nerd, no?

I love the made-up Muggle girlfriend ("and she likes science"!) and Laura's tiny breakfast. This is delightful. It's funny, this makes me think SO much about 8th grade, which was also when I first noticed boys in any but a picking-a-random-person-when-asked-who-I-liked way. At the very end of the year my friend P___ asked me to slow dance to "Stairway to Heaven" and it was all so confusing. LOL
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 03:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
Aw, Frankie. He is a terminal nerd, no?
He just can't help it. :)

Ah, slow dancing. That greatly confusing moment. I slow-danced with a cute friend as well. I got an e-mail from him this morning. He's in India with his husband. I have deeply bad luck.
obsfuscation From: obsfuscation Date: October 19th, 2007 03:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
Absolutely hilarious! This segment is fantastic. I have a lot of sympathy for poor Uncle Harry. He must have heaved a sigh of relief to be spared "the Talk." Stars exploding...bwah ha ha! Boys. :)
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: October 19th, 2007 03:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! And yes, I think Harry will be the sort of dad whose approach to these questions is, "Er, yes, well... you see... did you catch the Quidditch game last night?" ;p
jedi_chick From: jedi_chick Date: October 19th, 2007 04:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
After being without power for twelve hours yesterday (the joys of living in a slightly rural area during a wind storm), it was lovely to get online and read this hysterical section! I found myself laughing at so many different parts, from Neville's comment about the hospital wing to Laura eating the world's smallest breakfast to Harry turning very red during Teddy and his discussion. Boys of this age really crack me up. Oh, and Teddy fixating on Ruthless's sort of pretty hands was a nice touch as well. Poor Harry--he just can't compare his own experiences (though I loved his line about Ginny getting the point once he kissed her). Looking forward to more of the silly teenage antics!
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