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Seeking feedback - The Phantom Librarian
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
fernwithy
fernwithy
Seeking feedback
Okay... folks who like my Elizabeth Phelan stories, I'd like to ask a favor.

I did two ficlets about her here that I'd like to clean up and expand a bit--Moonflowers, which deals with her being bitten on her honeymoon, and Stone Roses, the Lines of Descent epilogue in which Remus buries her. It's smart to get feedback before engaging in a new draft, so I wondered... could I get some feedback on those stories? (I just don't have a regular beta reader to send to.) Not necessarily beta-nitpicky (unless you really feel like it), but things that seem unclear in the plot or things that just seem off. Also, since I'd like to expand at least "Moonflowers" (and probably "Stone Roses" as well), anything that is of particular interest or that you'd like more information on, that would also be good to know.

ETA:


Title: A stop on the road
House: Gryffindor
Characters: Andromeda, Padfoot
Words: 100
Challenge: PoA
A/N: Sirius had to go somewhere first, right?

Andromeda hadn’t slept since the news had broken.

She should’ve known it would happen. If anyone could break out of Azkaban, it was her brilliant cousin Sirius. The Ministry had been to her house three times in forty-eight hours, believing he would come to her, as he always had.

She looked up at a small sound. “You again?”

The dog, which had come to her yesterday soaked to the bone, nodded and wagged his tail weakly. She patted her lap. He laid his head on her knee, allowing her to pet him. After awhile of this, she got him breakfast.

Title: A conversation
House: Gryffindor
Words: 100
Characters: James, Lily
Challenge: POA


Heaven, or thereabouts.

James frowned. "Lily—was there something you wanted to tell me?"

"Sorry?"

"What is Remus is going on about?"

Lily looked over his shoulder. Remus Lupin was walking across a bridge, talking to Harry. "No idea."

"Hmmph. I’m waiting for him to pull out a photo and start snogging it."

"Just what he’d need. Paper cuts on top of those scars I never saw before."

"It was a shaving accident," James said. "He hasn’t shaved properly since."

"I noticed that."

"So what’s he on about?"

"Wouldn’t you rather check in on Sirius?"

"Why? No one else is."
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Comments
atropos87 From: atropos87 Date: June 6th, 2004 03:03 am (UTC) (Link)
Just what he’d need. Paper cuts on top of those scars I never saw before.

Bwah ha ha!
liebchen127 From: liebchen127 Date: June 6th, 2004 07:11 am (UTC) (Link)
"It was a shaving accident.... *giggle*
gehayi From: gehayi Date: June 6th, 2004 10:53 am (UTC) (Link)
For "Moonflowers"--if you expand, I'd like to learn more about Maddoc. After all, this extraordinary man stays with his werewolf wife in later stories. So more of him and his personality, as seen through the eyes of Elizabeth. Especially as that would tell us more about her.

I was a bit lost in the suicide section because I didn't understand what Rillie was saying. It's logical that she would speak German, but a translation would be useful. I figured out that "Ich kann nicht" probably meant "I cannot" but "Nicht weider" and "Nicht mehr" had me completely lost. I found my mind focussing on solving the puzzle of the German words, rather than on the building crisis. Could Elizabeth please understand a few stray words in German and mentally translate what Rillie is saying?
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: June 6th, 2004 11:01 am (UTC) (Link)
Definitely. Heck, I stopped writing to look that up--it should've occurred to me at some point that it may stop someone reading as well. I'll have Elizabeth search her memory--she did spend her childhood reading stories about this forest, so it would make sense that she might have picked up a version of "fangirl German"--and figure it out. (For the record, "Nicht weider" was "not again" and "Nicht mehr" was "no more.")
liebchen127 From: liebchen127 Date: June 6th, 2004 12:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
Slightly off topic, but I hope it is useful nontheless. "Nicht weider" is a typo. The correct german expression for "not again" is "nicht wieder", or better: "nicht schon wieder".
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: June 6th, 2004 01:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Very useful! Actually, I was going to ask if you could have a look. Babelfish is lovely for getting a general sense of what may be meant but isn't always, um, the best possible translation. :)
liebchen127 From: liebchen127 Date: June 6th, 2004 01:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
Feel free to ask me when you need german expressions! I'll read "Moonflowers" tomorrow, maybe I can help. And now I am off to bed.
dipsas From: dipsas Date: June 7th, 2004 12:32 am (UTC) (Link)
On Moonflowers, as I had missed this one before. Travelling in a country where one doesn't know the language can make the most everyday kind of situations seem threatening and I for one don't quite like to admit that even to myself, so I think you have Elisabeth's reasoning on the Denglers right. She would surpress any suspicions she might have about something not being right.
What proprieties do you have in mind for the moonflower? Is Elisabeth being set up as a victim already as Dengler gives her one of them? Though it might not come into this fic, I can't help wondering what happens next, as you mention that there's only one way in and out of there. And "he was lovely in the moonlight"... how sad she'll never get to appreciate that again.
Oh, and I'm all with Liebchen on the "nicht schon wieder".

Seeing how extrordinarily well the changes in the last chapter of Of a Sort turned out (I loved it, though I must admit I was too lazy to review) I'm really looking forward to an extended version of these fics.
mariagoner From: mariagoner Date: June 7th, 2004 01:41 am (UTC) (Link)
James frowned. "Lily—was there something you wanted to tell me?"

Heeeee! Though mind you, I thought the very same thing thing that you did. The movie really made it seem as though poor Remus had a charming schoolboy crush on Lily, what with describing her as the most compassionate person he had ever met and all. Did he even anything about James, one of his best friends, during that scene? His mind was on Lily, Lily, Lily, which was odd, odd, odd.0

And that last line? Ooh, burn. :D

As for that first drabble... sigh. I love your Andromeda-- she's so sweet and genuine, compared to her nasty sisters. And the scenario of Sirius going to her to protection-- is that in your story's canon?
mariagoner From: mariagoner Date: June 7th, 2004 01:48 am (UTC) (Link)
As for Stone Roses, it's a wonderful, heart-felt story. Remus' pain really shone through, as well as his sense of isolation, which was carefully pointed out but not overdone. And I do like the fact that you named the Healer (presumably Padma and Parvati's mum) Mehadi-- that's my brother's name! :D (Or you know... close enough.)

I will say that I have a small issue with the pacing though. It might just be me... but the actual burial part after Remus and the Healer leave the hospital seems a bit rushed. Remus' pain and sadness really shone through in the first part of the story, but seemed muted in the second part due to the short length of it.

But anyway, great work on it. And the inscription-- "Elizabeth Phelan, who is not alone"-- was brilliant, and was no doubt a reflection of what Remus wants for himself.
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