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Batch 14: Canon Era (5) - The Phantom Librarian
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
Batch 14: Canon Era (5)
Possibly some lighthearted fun set during PoA year involving Lupin, Snape, and the Weasley twins? Maybe they try to punk the new teacher and Snape unwittingly or reluctantly gets involved? for Anon
[Hmm. I couldn't get it really lighthearted--Snape goes into a room and sucks all lighthearted energy out of it--but hopefully, it's not too heavy.]
"Screws out of the desk didn't work," George said. "He barely looked at them before he fixed them."

"Most unfortunate," Fred agreed. "Questionable pictures on the blackboard? I could rig up a hex on the chalk, so every time he touches the board, it ends up drawing something that oughtn't be there."

George considered this, then shook his head. "First, it'd take a Defense teacher about two seconds to notice that his chalk isn't working. Second, if he didn't notice, he'd get in trouble."

"Hmph," Fred said. "Lee, do you have anything?"

"I tried putting Anansi in his briefcase, but he just picked her up and asked if anyone lost a pet tarantula."

"Oh, right," Fred said. "Damn, I forgot, that's why he taught a whole class with your spider on his shoulder."

"He's tough," George said. "But we're tougher. Come on--we've always been able to get a detention out of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher before Christmas hols. We only have a week left."

They were quiet for a moment, then Fred said, "You know what it means. Plan Omega."

Lee whistled. "D'you really think it's got that far?"

But of course, it had. Collecting a detention from the world's most unflappable professor would require drastic measures.

The Staff Room.

Rumor held that it was un-Prankable, that the teachers had all manner of spellwork wound around it to stop students from making them look foolish. It was the Holy Grail of locations. Charlie had got a week's detention when McGonagall's winter cloak had begun to scream madly and alerted everyone in the vicinity. Bill's friend Connie Peale had tried to plant a dungbomb in Sprout's boots, and had spent the next month being chased by enchanted Honking Daffodils, or so Bill said, anyway. George had heard a story once that, long ago, a student had managed to sneak in and paint the ceiling scarlet and gold (not to mention making the doorknob serenade teachers rudely when they touched it). He had his suspicions that such a student may well have considered himself a Purveyor of Magical Mischief... but that was just a hunch. That stunt had been legendary because it was the only one that hadn't involved getting caught.

The three boys looked at each other, steely-eyed.

"Did you give the you-know-what to Harry yet?" Lee asked.

"We're going to do it on Saturday," George said.

"Well, I say we bid it farewell in style," Fred proposed, and pulled out the Marauder's Map.

All three of them raised their wands and intoned, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

The lines of the castle appeared.

The Staff Room was empty.

They smiled.

It wasn't hard to get into the Staff Room. They'd done it at least half a dozen times in four and a half years (once to eavesdrop on who would be named Quidditch commentator, another because Fred had been quite besotted with their first year Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher). It was only whatever magic the teachers used to protect their belongings that made it dangerous. They just strode in like the belonged there; if someone had come in since they'd checked the Map, they could always say someone must have Confunded them. But the coast was clear.

George looked around. "All right, then, what's Lupin's around here? Do you see anything?"

"I think I saw him in that cloak headed for Hagrid's," Lee said.

"He's friends with Hagrid?" Fred grinned, picking up the cloak. "I knew I liked him. What should we do to him?"

"Make it glow in the dark when he puts it on?" Lee suggested.

"Turn gold like Nemean lion pelts," George put in.

"We could..." George stopped, head tilted. "Shh! Snape! Disillusion!"

They tapped one another's heads, and disappeared. George further hid behind a chair. He could now hear Snape's low voice just outside the door. "Oh, go ahead. Wouldn't want to get in your way."

"Thank you, Severus, but it's not necessary," Lupin said. "Go ahead."

"No, we know how Dumbledore would feel if you weren't given every opportunity..."

Lupin muttered something that George didn't think he would say in the presence of students, then walked into the room, rolling his eyes. Snape followed, looking like he smelled something rotten.

"I imagine you mean to be away for Christmas," Snape said, "so there will be no need for your potion."

"Quite unfortunately, I can't avoid the reason for it. But you needn't worry when I'm not here. If you would simply teach me--"

Snape snorted. "You, brewing a complex potion? As I understand it, your classmates were lucky that you didn't poison them by accidentally dropping your fingers in the cauldron."

"School was quite a long time ago, Severus." Lupin glanced in George's direction and frowned. "Is there something out of place here?"

"Other than you?"

To George's unending admiration, Lupin turned his back on Snape and utterly ignored the comment. He raised his wand at the wall behind the couch. "Invenio! Floresco!"

There was a thump, then Lee Jordan fell down from the back of the couch. Instead of matching the room in its entirety, he was now covered with giant carnations. Lupin pointed his wand casually at the base of the wardrobe, and Fred rolled out, now blooming with lilacs. George resigned himself and put his hands behind his back, hanging his head, and a moment later, he was draped with honeysuckle.

Lupin grinned. "Caught again, gentlemen. You'll have to do better than that."

"Twenty points from each of them!" Snape growled. "And detention! I will not put up with this."

Lupin looked mildly at Fred, then took his cloak. "It seems, Severus, that I'm the one it's aimed at, so it's mine to decide whether or not to put up with it. Ten points, and no detention."

Snape gave him a sullen look. "I am somewhat less than surprised."

"Sorry," Fred said. "Just thought we'd warm your cloak up a bit."

"Bluebell flames in the seams?"

"Hadn't thought of that," George said.

"Sweating Solution poured down the collar?"

"That's good, too," Lee said. "But no. We hadn't got there yet."

"Waltzing Wish?"

"No, but that would have been brilliant," Fred said. "Would it have lasted through class?"

"As I don't wear that particular cloak indoors, it's unlikely."

"Lupin," Snape said, "in case you have forgotten, we are in the staff room, not your office. You may have whichever students you choose there... as visitors." He sneered. "But they are not permitted here." He turned to stride out.

George saw Lee's wand go up just a second too late. "Tripido!"

As Snape stepped into the hallway, his robes began to twitch, pulling him into a waltz that took him toward the Great Hall.

Lupin paled, pointed his wand out the door, and called, "Finite Incantatem!"

George heard Snape stomping away, and merrily imagined the look on his face... until Lupin turned around, furious.

"That," he said, "will get you your detention, gentlemen. And I promise you, you will wish you hadn't tried for it."

can we see some of the DA left at Hogwarts during DH? what was happening in Gryffindor Tower while H/R/&H were on the run? for Anon
The Fat Lady had been allowed to keep her post at the door to Gryffindor Tower after Neville and Ginny had sneaked out to try and steal the Sword of Gryffindor from Snape's office, but it had been a close thing. Alecto Carrow had thrown paint thinning potion at her canvas, leaving her scarred and pockmarked, and there was now a portrait of an unpleasant-looking sixteenth century nobleman guarding her. He was instructed to report anyone she allowed through. Luna said that nothing similar had been done at Ravenclaw, despite her own participation--Snape had simply threatened to lower everyone's marks if anyone was allowed out after curfew.

Because no Gryffindor wanted to be responsible for the Fat Lady's destruction, the portrait hole was now only used for sanctioned exits.

Other sorts of exits had to be more creative.

"Blast it, Lavender," Ginny heard outside her window. "You're going to fall."

Ginny went to the window, which was open for the cool autumn breeze (she and all three of her dormitory mates liked to sleep in a cool room, but the others didn't care for being awake in it, and were downstairs in the Common Room). Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown had both Conjured some sort of sucker-pads for their feet, and were climbing down the side of the tower. They'd made it most of the way from the top floor, but they both looked like they were about to drop.

Ginny opened the window wider. "Get in here, you're not going to make it," she said.

Gratefully, Lavender re-arranged her limbs on the wall and crawled, lizard-like, to the window. Ginny pulled her in. Parvati came after, looking annoyed.

"I told you not to go so fast," she hissed. "Not until we've got the balance of it figured out."

"I had to go fast," Lavender said. "I thought I was falling off the tower!"

"That's why I put the net charm on the third level. You'd have been fine."

"Pardon me if I didn't want to test it!"

Ginny held up her hands. "What were you doing?"

"Just testing right now," Parvati said.

Lavender nodded. "Parvati reckons that they're not watching the outside of the tower, except for the anti-broom spells. We thought if we could climb down Gryffindor Tower, we could run across the battlements to the Astronomy Tower, climb up that one to get back inside, and then have the run of the school."

"That's good," Ginny said, "but I think they lock the Astronomy Tower door."

Lavender and Parvati looked at each other, frustrated. "What about those empty classrooms, if we can climb all the way down to the first floor?" Lavender asked.

"Could work... or a friendly teacher!" Parvati said. "Maybe McGonagall could leave a window open."

Ginny shook her head. "First, she'd tell you to get back to your dormitory and stop trying to get yourselves killed."

"Like she sets a great example of playing it safe," Lavender said fondly.

"Second, if they caught her, do you really think they'd just sack her? And you know they're watching Dumbledore's allies."

This effectively killed the idea. Just as McGonagall tried to keep her Gryffindors out of trouble--a full time job this year--so Gryffindors fought mightily to keep her safe. There was no misbehavior in her classes, and her word was law in the corridors. If she was in the vicinity, Gryffindors all but helped little old Death Eaters across the road, for fear their defiance would come back on her.

"What did you want to do, anyway?" Ginny asked.

They looked at each other, then Parvati said, "Our first thought was a delayed Confringo in the Dark Arts Office--you know the Carrows meet there after classes."

Ginny nodded. "But Neville says--"

"That it's not time yet. Waiting for Harry before we really declare war and all that rot." Lavender wrinkled her nose. "That's why we thought we'd just steal all of those nasty little things Alecto likes to use in class--Umbridge's quill, those wretched pincers that she stuck on my ear when I told her I wouldn't use the Cruciatus on Seamus, those scissors she used on Ernie McMillan's face--"

"Glad Pomfrey got those scars to go," Parvati said, shuddering. "Anyway, we were going to steal all that rot and leave it burning in front of the main doors."

"I like it," Ginny said. "We should do it."

Lavender smiled. "You're in? Even after that thing last week? Told you she wouldn't take a break." She grinned.

"Oh, I'm definitely in. She's got a ribbon that's Cursed red hot, and my neck wants revenge on it. But let's not fall off of Gryffindor Tower on the way to it. That would be an embarrassing way to die."

"Maybe we could string a tight rope between here and the Astronomy Tower," Parvati suggested.

Ginny raised her eyebrows. "Right, because that would be a much more interesting thing to fall off of, and the door is locked."

"We could make it go toward the bottom of the tower, and sort of slide down--hold ropes over it tight, and just sort of... fall slowly."

"We'd still be stuck on the battlements," Lavender said, then brightened. "Wait, I know--there's a window that goes into the old chapel room. Someone patrols, but it shouldn't take too long to wait for it to pass by..."
23 comments or Leave a comment
malinbe From: malinbe Date: January 11th, 2012 03:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oooh, pranks. So much fun, even he second one despite the background gloom!

(also, you've got little problem with italics)
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: January 11th, 2012 04:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oops. I usually check that.
kizmet_42 From: kizmet_42 Date: January 11th, 2012 03:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
You have a missing /i bracket in there.

I love the the first story. Lupin covering Snape's back - priceless.

I'm thinking zip line for the girls.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: January 11th, 2012 04:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
I don't know why I didn't check that last night!

I think a zip line is about what Parvati is thinking, though she doesn't know the word for it.
From: (Anonymous) Date: January 11th, 2012 03:57 pm (UTC) (Link)

Love, love, love

I'm terrible about commenting, but I wanted you to know that I'm reading--and loving--all of these pieces. I *adore* Action!Parvati&Lavender, and I LOLed at the line about the Gryffindors practically helping little old Death Eaters cross the street if that's what it took to keep McGonagall safe. And Lupin and the twins ... completely in character.

So, Snape: either he's less observant than he tries to let on (which he would *hate*), or he knew that some interlopers were hiding in the staff room and was deliberately dropping broad hints about Lupin's potion. Hmmm....

fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: January 11th, 2012 04:17 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Love, love, love

I think Snape was just busy brooding there, and didn't happen to notice the distortion where the Disillusioning spell was.
etain_antrim From: etain_antrim Date: January 11th, 2012 04:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
That first one was fun, until Lee took it just a bit too far. I guess someone had to. Love Ginny joining Lavender and Parvati in their plans for Alecto's toys.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: January 11th, 2012 04:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, that one step... you don't hex a teacher... let alone from behind.
starnightmuse From: starnightmuse Date: January 11th, 2012 06:59 pm (UTC) (Link)

both funny and murky- i like it

the first one was really interesting- and i admit i liked your approach much better to how the person that asked it framed it- the way you did it, it was more about lupin being The New DaDA teacher, than it being about Lupin.

Also, and this was among my favorite thing about the ficlet- none of the pranks the twins were planning were dangerous or too risky. and the one that was, they decided against it.

also love that the culmination was the twins gaining admiration for lupin.

you're very right that Snape ruined the mood. he most certainly did with his disgusting anti-werewolf thing and his abuse of authority. (I dont care that he was a double agent and he had to keep his cover- i doubt he would have been nice and fair even if he didn't have the threat of voldemort and other de watching hanging over his head. he definitely enjoyed being an absolute dirtbag to anyone he didn't liked. )

and even when I think Snape deserved that jynx (i mean it's not like he doesn't do worse to his students- like forcing neville to fed trevor a potion that is obvious going to kill the poor toad,)

but i could see Lupin being reminded of what happened in "snape worst memory" and this time not letting a similar action slide.

(which now makes me very curious on what detention the weasley twins got.
I'm also curious on who the teacher was that Fred was besotted with)

(also saw right through the reference to the marauders in the teacher prank that didn't got the culprit caught. i mean either it was totally remus, under which oh the irony, or sirius. but it was totally them right?

the second one was lovely in the gryffindor girls sticking together- but send shivers down my spine on yet another showcase of how oppressed and grim hogwarts was during the 7th year.

(I mean I'm hoping that when you say that the fat lady was "leaving her scarred and pockmarked" you mean the canvas and not the fat lady herself (I mean she fled her canvas when sirius slashed it in third year, so it's her canvas that is damaged not her? RIGHT? RIGHT?)

also, again, brilliant characterization- this time with lavender- in showing that she can be smart and crafty too- not just a girl who liked girly things and boys.

the chapel room? is that the one you mentioned a handful of times for the students to pray if they want to?

fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: January 11th, 2012 08:09 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: both funny and murky- i like it

Yeah, I'm with you on Snape. I don't care if he was or wasn't a double agent; he's still Snape. He still tortured Neville's toad, enjoyed destroying Remus's life, and was a horrible person. (Even in the supposedly redemptive "love" for Lily, what's the upshot? He wants to make her a widow, kill her child, and make her into his mistress, totally dependent on staying in his good graces to stay alive. There's no indication, certainly, that he planned to leave the DEs if Voldemort spared her. I am less than impressed.)

I don't like thinking about seventh yaer at Hogwarts, and really wish there hadn't been so many requests for it (it's kind of depressing me, honestly! ;p), but yeah--it would have been a hellish year for everyone. And no, I did not mean that the Fat Lady was allowed to leave the frame. They kept her in there.
starnightmuse From: starnightmuse Date: January 11th, 2012 10:38 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: both funny and murky- i like it


Well I hope someone "healed" her after the War was over.

poor Fat lady. :(

and i personally think that the reason why people keep asking for 7th year stuff is because, well they know things end- relatively well. and it's the whole "good guys not giving up no matter the cost" (why else are there so many war movies? because even when the villain kill a lot of people, in the movies the hero is always defiant and win)

i personally appreciate your endurance through them, because they're always brilliant
reannanshaw From: reannanshaw Date: January 11th, 2012 09:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
Aw, I like how Fred and George want to make sure they don't actually get Lupin in trouble with their pranks. And the image of him teaching with a spider on his shoulder is just cute, especially given the circumstance. I love how Lupin kept coming up with prank ideas. If only they'd known they were trying to prank one of the masters (or at least someone who hung out with the masters). In fairness, you're right, Snape is a bit of a funsuck. It's kind of nice what finally got Lupin angry at them. I think it shows his maturity.

The Gryffindors are quite endearing in their way, just like the other houses are in theirs. Love their protectiveness of McGonagall.
hungrytiger11 From: hungrytiger11 Date: January 12th, 2012 01:01 am (UTC) (Link)
I love both but I especially enjoyed the second, partly because it is nice to see Lavender beyond Harry's view of "mate's annoying girlfriend." And seeing Ginny and McGonagall being implied as being badasses (because they are cool). I actually really want see how this turns out.

Also- the tortures of the Carrows' sound horrific!
From: (Anonymous) Date: January 12th, 2012 06:58 am (UTC) (Link)
Er, just to say (Snape fan timidly lifting her head) my take on Snape is that he was willing to die to save her, that he accepted becoming Dumbledore's spy could be a likely death sentence, and that he would have been a million times happier with a world where Lily lived happily ever after with James - but LIVED - than he was with one where she was dead.

I realize feelings get pretty heated over Snape discussions. Besides that, I hardly think this is the place for trying to change minds (Fern's site; ergo, we are Fern's guests; ergo, I hope I'm not overstepping proper bounds in what I have said so far).

Despite strong feelings, I should try to recognize that a large part of fandom is based on the same differences kind of differences that make plays so fascinating. With Shakespeare plays in particular (my personal favorites), no two productions are ever the same. Sometimes, I've sat back in awe how a character can be something I'd never imagined before.

And that all comes from people who can look at the same story and see something different.

Heck, Shakespeare himself looked at stories and saw something completely different than what had been there before. That's where most if not all of his plays came from.

End statement: While I will likely continue to passionately disagree on this point, I think Fern is possibly the best HP fanfic writer around.

From: (Anonymous) Date: January 12th, 2012 06:59 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, dang. Should have put this under the discussion above. Sorry.

reannanshaw From: reannanshaw Date: January 12th, 2012 07:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Don't worry, I'm a Snape fan, too. ;) I think that Snape was just a very immature person. I think he was so mean to Neville because he partly wished that Voldemort had chosen to go after him instead of Harry. I think he's understandably mean to Lupin because of how cruel James and Sirius were, and even if Lupin wasn't also mean, he didn't do anything to stop his friends, which made him complicit (which, I think even Fern's story shows, Lupin regrets). I think Snape made some poor choices and then didn't choose to get over them and move on, but I don't think that makes him a terrible person. I wish he'd lived and learned and become better. I think that, with the people around him knowing about his true loyalties, they would have tried harder to bring the good out in him. But Rowling never gave him that chance, because she didn't like him all that much either.

I do agree with you also that Fern is the best fanfic writer around. Best one I've come across, anyway. Whenever I say to people, "Fanfic can be quite excellent," she's the one I'm referring to.
starnightmuse From: starnightmuse Date: January 12th, 2012 01:56 pm (UTC) (Link)

don't worry- I dont bite. (much)

i'm sorry if i started a discussion that made you feel like you had to "timidly" say your opinion.

it was never my intention to make you feel opressed as a Snape fan.

as it's obvious, I dont like Snape, never have, never will.

But I can admit he had some- things in his favor. he Was a brilliant, creating potion-maker, he was a good duellist, good for him that he was good at Oclumency.
I admit I feel sorry for him that he had to keep himself hidden to make on his promise to protect everyone sixth and seveth year. i do admit i felt a tiny bit sorry that everyone hated him when he tried to keep people as safe as possible against a DE occupied hogwarts. I do feel sorry he had such a sucky homelife- and i do feel tremendously sorry he got bullied. (even when he did far worse- one thing is being hanged upside down- another is cutting someone's face with sectrusempra)

I dont deny him that he was a "hero" but the way many (not you) snape fans make him seem like this flawless, saintless tragic hero who every was oh so mean to for no reason. or, that he was the real true love of lily that "he" deserved her more

etc, etc.

I wont deny either he is an interesting, complicated character on his own right, and that it's a lot of fans reaction/interpretation to him is what made him despise him more than in the books alone.

but he is an interesting character.

so dont be afraid of us, you're a reasonable, thoughtful, intelligent person who can see the flaws on snape, so dont be afraid to speak up

From: (Anonymous) Date: January 12th, 2012 03:57 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: don't worry- I dont bite. (much)

Oh, it's not you guys. It's more that I'm naturally timid on some things. Specifically, on things where I've seen emotions run high, I don't trust myself to enter into the conversation and deftly walk around the landmines inherent in the conversation rather blithely jump onto them one after the other. So, I like to at least be clear from the outset that I'm not actually TRYING to set those off.

From: severely_lupine Date: January 13th, 2012 02:07 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: don't worry- I dont bite. (much)

Shortly after reading DH, I wrote a little song for my own amusement (in other words, not exactly polished poetry). It's called "Snape is a Bastard". This is the last bit: Snape is a hero/though, yes, he's kind of dark./He's still a bastard/who really likes to snark./That's why I love him/no matter what you say/and I would not have/him any other way.
Also, when I read the part where he makes fun of Hermione's teeth, I totally cracked up.

But then, Pottermore did sort me into Slytherin. ;)
vytresna From: vytresna Date: January 14th, 2012 01:20 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: don't worry- I dont bite. (much)

Speaking of Pottermore, do you users know anything we don't about when/if they'll open to the public? If not, consolation question: is the Sorting WOMBAT-esque?
From: (Anonymous) Date: January 14th, 2012 02:10 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: don't worry- I dont bite. (much)

it should be open to the public some ruddy time in 2012. (however considering that those in beta are Still trickling in (I dont understand Why they're doing so bloody slow- i mean they're still in the 600,000 something!!!)

but it should open to all this year. as for the next book, chamber of secrets- best case scenario end of this year, worst case scenario two years.

as for the sorting test it was more the "if you saw a wallet on the floor what would you do? sort of thing.

From: severely_lupine Date: January 14th, 2012 03:56 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: don't worry- I dont bite. (much)

Yeah, I have no idea when it'll open. They're quite late already, aren't they? Although really, I spent several hours on it the first day I got in (and I was in one of the first batches, I think the first 5,000 people), and then after that, once I hit the end of the first book, there was really nothing more to do. All of the other games and stuff look like they might entertain small children for a short time, but that's about it. The best part was getting all the tidbits of extra info, but other than that, you're really not missing anything, and by now you can probably find the extra info online. I think it's absurd that they're waiting at least a year or more to open the second info so we can get the tidbits related to that. By the time they open the last book, no one's going to care any more, if not way sooner.

I didn't do the WOMBAT, so I don't know. The sorting was a lot of weird, seemingly random things. Like, which of these items from this chest would you want? Or, choose one of these paths to take. Or maybe that was for choosing a wand. I don't remember. Both were quite odd and probably hard to cheat (that is, intentionally answer in such a way as to get the result you want rather than 'honestly').
From: (Anonymous) Date: September 10th, 2018 02:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
your Lupin is just cool. Teaching with a spider on his shoulder *shudder* and coming up with prank ideas. I don't know whether it happened in canon, but it's just fantastic and it presents a nice contrast to the Lupin we see teaching Dora and Susan, i.e., the kind, gentle teacher you show there. And I never thought I'd see the day when Lupin tries to defend Snape. The line, "Lupin paled" was priceless. I wonder, though, why he was so reluctant to give the twins detention. Give them what they ask and be done with it, I say.
23 comments or Leave a comment