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The Phantom Librarian
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
These Are The Names, Chapter 21
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From: queen_bellatrix Date: July 10th, 2014 04:35 am (UTC) (Link)

Feedback and Some Catches

Games live A missing period, I think, though the way the next sentence is structured, you may have meant to have an ellipsis?

He thinks about. Think you're missing an it after about.

to several damage Think maybe the several should have been severely? Unless it was a random edit survivor of a longer sentence?

in ruins of Think you're missing a the before ruins.

In Claudius's speech beginning with the talk about castles/works of art, you have several opening quotes at the beginning of paragraphs, even though it's still Claudius speaking. It's been so long since I've had to use any of the rules about quotes I can't tell if this was a wierd MS word thing or not, so thought I'd mention.

northern ocean Just a missing period.

unless provoked.' Just the ' instead of a closing quote.

for to be Think you're missing a me before to.

the swelliings Just the spelling thing there.

this year played The flow of this phrase feels a bit off; should it maybe be played this year?

This chapter really shows how much of a combination of luck and skill went into Kattniss's victory. In any other arena, Butterfly could have gotten much further than she did. And then River, who you'd think would be dead at the start, is still alive. It just really brings home how skill can't make up for the way so many things in and about the arena are out of the tributes control.

And I am so on board with this future of Finn's. Especially if it could happen about a year later and he could bring Annie. (the one downside being I don't know if Effie would come:() And, okay, they'd all be isolated on an island, but Finn wouldn't be dead, and Mags could have died of old age with Gia and Haymitch and Finn around her instead of because of that damn fog and Haymitch would've stopped drinking years earlier with other people around him and...Finn, please keep providing imaginary happy futures for yourself and your loved ones?

What Haymitch said about the Gamemakers at the beginning of the fic is so spot-on. Not only about the plague, but with the way they've convinced themselves they can calculate who will and won't be a victor. They sure must have had to do some intense spin control after the fact to make up for their awful coverage of Jo.

If there's one good thing about the plague, it's that the fever seems to have killed the girls before the vomiting and bleeding you see so often could start. Which still isn't much of a comfort; to be lying there, getting worse, and wondering what the hell it was and why your mentors weren't doing anything is one of the worst ways to die in the arena. And the mentors; not a thing to send them, and they're dying alone, without anybody to even hold their hand.

With the relatively short time it took to get to the arena, I'm wondering: Are the antibiotics still coming, or did they realize it was so viralent they didn't have anything strong enough to combat it, which'll be even more the case now that it's air born?

I love the way the look exchanged by Chaff and Jack was clearly meant to remind Jack the place was bugged, since it's clear from the commentary after that Jack's right and it was changed because of Six.

And seeing Cinna's progress, along with the groundwork for his arrival in Twelve was brilliant. And Effie's comment that none of his work is good enough for the Games. I think you hit on a really interesting point, and I'll be interested to see if her oppinion changes when he's Twelve's stylist, or if with the really flashy stuff she's used too, she still has a hard time appreciating his work. But her comment also opened up the interesting possibility that Cinna didn't really bloom as an artist until he partnered with Portia, which isn't something I think I've ever seen explored in fic before.

And gaaah, Jo; I hate that she won't be able to take care of River, and that she'll probably see it as her screwup, rather than the luck of the arena. And River; what a sweet kid.

Loved how attached Effie still is to the kids, even with Capitol influence, especially with her restlessness and fretting when they're gone early and she can't enact the little rituals she uses to help them. And all your explanations of technology:d; I love minutia like that!

fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: July 10th, 2014 05:21 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Feedback and Some Catches


As far as I was taught, splitting dialogue up into paragraphs, you don't use the close quote, just the open one, to indicate ongoing dialogue.

I'm on board with a nice future, too. Alas, poor nice futures.

The antibiotics are on the way, but it took Plutarch a while to convince them not to charge for them, plus the time it took them to realize that it was plague they were dealing with.

Cinna is really just getting started, and Portia's the girl he's itching to get as an apprentice. I'm not sure if Effie ever totally appreciates his aesthetic outside of the parade costumes.
torturedbabycow From: torturedbabycow Date: July 10th, 2014 07:27 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Feedback and Some Catches

I just had a thought about Effie's reaction to Cinna's work... she made some comment about how she thought she'd feel more "naked" in some of the designs even though they show less skin. I wonder if her reaction ties in a little bit with her PTSD about the wig incident. Like, she's clearly taken to wigs and fashion as a sort of armor against the outside world, and her past experiences make it her feel extra uncomfortable in public not in "full fashion armor." But the thing about a lot of ridiculous fashion is that it treats the human body as sort of an afterthought, just an inconveniently squishy and variable display mannequin. On the other hand, Cinna seems to have more of an "organic" approach to fashion, where the body and person wearing the clothes are integral to the whole enterprise. So for Effie, that would actually undermine her use of fashion as a barrier between her and the world, and give a sort of uncomfortable and "naked" feeling.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: July 11th, 2014 06:00 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Feedback and Some Catches

It's a good point. Effie as described in the books, and especially as seen in the movies, may as well be in plated armor with the face mask down on the helmet.
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