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The Last Tribute: Chapter Four - The Phantom Librarian — LiveJournal
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
fernwithy
fernwithy
The Last Tribute: Chapter Four
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From: queen_bellatrix Date: August 14th, 2014 05:00 am (UTC) (Link)

Some more Catches/Feedback

One his assistants Think you're missing an of before his.

late the game Think you're missing an in before the.

body sock Did you maybe mean suit?

catches the car Did you maybe mean for this to be catches sight of the car? Or did she deliberately step in front of it to make it stop because she thought Finn was inside?; I was a bit confused on what the sequence was here.

or you were Think you're maybe missing an if before you?

The all Think the the should be they.

Seeder right behind Think you're missing an is before right.

can but she Just a missing comma after can.

might because Think you're missing a be before because.

has made a gold paper This bit didn't quite make sense; has he hung paper on them, so they're each half of a lightning bolt, or has he made a paper lightning bolt that's hanging between them; maybe clarify?

talking about while Maybe put a bit in this sentence to show that Cinna's workshop's not actually in the training center? At first, I was rather confused, as I couldn't tell if part of what was making it so loud was that they were in a workshop at the training center he specifically had for the Games, and so the prep noise was also coming in, and it took several readings for me to realize that he was in a different part of the Capitol entirely. This was made worse by the fact that the movie heavily implies the prep work is done at the stylists' studios.:)

I've never used one before. A bit of a continuity thing here. In the 51st, when he goes to see Caesar, and then again when he's on for Claudius, cars arrive that he didn't call for, and it's heavily implied they're provided by the Gamemakers. I could very easily see Glass however deciding he should just use a taxy and so calling for that instead of the more usual Games cars and Haymitch just keeping up the tradition so he didn't have to deal with the Gamemakers. If I'm at all right, maybe think about inserting something to that effect, just to avoid confusion?

I really love your interpretation of Cinna. He reminds me of one of an ivory tower academic; not unaware of the problems of the world, and very much desiring to fix them, but so caught up in a passion that he's at one remove. I love that even as he's understanding Haymitch's dilemma, he never entirely comes out of the idea of how his art can compliment Kattniss, and Kattniss can raise the level of his art. And his being at a remove would really help to explain why he believed that only he would be hurt by the mockingjay dress, at least imho. And I just love the voice you're giving him, especially the banter between he and Haymitch.

I really, really like Aquila. I always enjoy sharp-tongued, perceptive old ladies, and she fits the bill to a tee.:d I'm wondering how useful she may prove later on in the rule change manipulations. And very much hoping she survived Coin's purge, to see a kind of "footware" I think she would have liked so much better; I figure her chances have to be better, because she wasn't directly involved with the Games.

And I really loved their exchange about being something; it reminded me sharply of Browning's statement about truth being somewhere between the stories people tell themselves. She is right, in the sense that he could have done more, but he's entirely right about how unrealistic certain aspects of her idealism are. I would have to say their meeting was my favorite part of the chapter.

Though it was closely followed by all the Victor interactions; I am just refusing to think about what will be happening this time next year.

And ooo, really looking forward to what starts to build next chapter because of the costumes!












fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: August 14th, 2014 05:19 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Some more Catches/Feedback

I put in a reference to the car (as the sort of thing a random staff person might call for) as being smaller and less armored than the one the Gamemakers sent to take him to Claudius's.

Since I just "met" Aquila myself, I don't know how she's going to play out. I'm beginning to think I'll have to add a few things into the old stories rather than trying to write around why Haymitch never thinks of them. I don't generally like to do that, but I know so much more now, see? ;p
From: queen_bellatrix Date: August 14th, 2014 06:26 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Some more Catches/Feedback

I can definitely understand needing to add more things to the older stories; the prequels expanded so much!:d When you decide to edit and how you'll edit (not sure if you'll just edit specific chapters, or just take them down for a week or two and edit them in full, the way you used to with the HP drafts), feel free to let me know, and I'll go through the older ones and send a list of typos/continuity stuff (mostly different surnames for certain characters etc. etc.), if you'd like to catch those into the bargain? It'll give me an excuse to reread the older ones!:d

I meant to say in my earlier comment that I absolutely loved all the religious symbolism Cinna worked into this one. I'm fascinated by religion's effect on culture, and you're one of the few authors that consistently plays with that theme in a really insightful way.

And I was really intrigued to see your interpretation of how Finn/Annie are allowed to behave in the Capitol; I was rather surprised that Finn was "allowed" to be publicly affectionate with Annie and Snow insisted that the cameras ignore it, and then morbidly wondered if he doubled the guy's schedule for granting a "favor" Or, is he just anticipating that Finn will age out of "usefulness" soon, the way Haymitch implied inGM, so it doesn't matter as much? Or was Finn actually not "allowed", but the producers just decided not focusing on it was the best way to handle things. *crosses fingers very tightly it was the former possibility*
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