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The Last Tribute: Chapter Seven - The Phantom Librarian — LiveJournal
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
fernwithy
fernwithy
The Last Tribute: Chapter Seven
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From: queen_bellatrix Date: August 24th, 2014 04:57 am (UTC) (Link)

Catches

Lots of catches this chapter, and I knew if I tried to fit both into a comment, I'd exceed the character limit like crazy. But there'll definitely be feedback as soon as I get a minute later tonight to write a comment, because there are so many subtle layers in this I want to discuss/babble about.:d:d

they've finishing Think they've should be they're?

send as token Think you're missing an a before token.

anything close to as toxic Think you may be missing some words here, though I can't make any guesses.:)

it then devaluing Think you're missing an and before then?

handle the Corncuopia Just the misspelled word.

wanted know how Think you're missing a to after wanted.

She take a Think take should be takes.

sweetheart how'd Just need a comma there.

with no grounding Should the with here maybe be has? Unless maybe there were some more words deleted in editing; something about that phrasing feels off.

boy (not much better) This phrase feels off somehow; maybe replace with something like: without much more success instead?

Some continuity things:

You have Mags telling Haymitch about her Tribute, but you said in an earlier chapter that Annie was mentoring because of her stroke. So, wouldn't it either be Annie telling him, or Mags telling him on her behalf? Especially with how hard CF established it as being to understand Mags, I'm thinking maybe you just switched the names because she's such a fixture.

You have Haymitch saying that Chaff was actually in the room when he arrived. But, in EOTW, Seeder was also there; she was just feeding the horses; could you maybe just say that Chaff had reason to be paying attention when he arrived? Especially because he was so clearly monitoring Drake.

You had Haymitch watching footage of the bread explaining scene in an earlier chapter, before they cut to a special on Capitol gambling. Could you maybe just have him think about how she's obeying his instructions, but still not coming off well and remember her forced, obedient laughter over the bread?

The only other one I caught is something I have a feeling you're planning to edit from GM; at least, I hope so, because I really like how Peeta's playing his strategy here! In GM, you had Haymitch requesting an alliance per Peeta's instructions, but being turned down. But, the idea that Peeta knows how much Haymitch would balk at him being allied with the Pack and so is using his reservations about Career strategy to avoid a series of lectures about what he already plans to do, while making the pack believe his decision to take Clove hostage is a fear-borne one, rather than being calculated, by being cool toward their initial proposal is really cool! (If I'm reading his strategy right, of course)











fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: August 24th, 2014 05:21 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Catches

Oy, that's what happens when you write after a couple days' insomnia! Silly stuff. Glad you caught it.

I think I will edit that in GM. I like this version better, too.
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