?

Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile Previous Previous Next Next
The Last Tribute: Chapter Nine - The Phantom Librarian — LiveJournal
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
fernwithy
fernwithy
The Last Tribute: Chapter Nine
13 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
From: queen_bellatrix Date: September 3rd, 2014 03:52 am (UTC) (Link)

Catches

helpful from hint Just an extra from.

who it's from and Think maybe this bit got a bit mangled in editing; Finn's already said who it's from; so, shouldn't it maybe just be you know what it's about?

she turn to Just need an s for turn.

looking his hands Missing an at before his.

with few of Just missing an a before few.

moment's hesistation Just the misspelling and the fact that that sentence felt a bit off; maybe take another look?

One quick continuity thing: In HT, you had the mentors being driven over to the viewing center; Haymitch and Chaff being in a car was part of what made it hard to talk about Ginger and Dibbor. Could you maybe either: mention when the cars stopped being provided, or just say that they rode along, staring out at the empty streets?

sake of the public This bit was a bit confusing; were the reporters asking how a frazzled/anticipatory public could help? The they threw me off, because I couldn't quite tell if the reporters were caught up and asking to sponsor, or if it was referring to the people.

tributes went Couldn't quite tell here; was he saying he sent her back once their interviews were done, or got her at the front of the line as they were coming offstage, so she could go up ahead of the other victors?

The cuts from the I think you maybe meant something other than cuts here, since you talk about gouges just a bit later?

excessively warm Think maybe that should be cold instead?

Also: Think you may've forgotten to grab the ones mirandabeth caught?
From: queen_bellatrix Date: September 3rd, 2014 03:53 am (UTC) (Link)

Feedback


One of the things I've been appreciating is how much depth you give the Careers. I'm thinking not only of the look Cashmere gives Finn, but of how she took so long calling the Gamemakers off with Glimmer's token and then looked so frustrated that she hadn't caught it in the first place. It's nice to see these small things to remind us they're complicated people, whether the viewpoint filter acknowledges it.

I continue to love your media commentary; I find it especially spot-on with Cecelia, because the one huge observation Effie makes about her is that she never starts any of the fights she's in, which means the mace thing must've been in one instigated by someone else, and she was still painted as this brutal killer with just a slightly softer motive to explain her not starting fights.

Y'know, I hadn't put together how much SC let Peeta's character peek through until you outlined it, but she really did do a good job there now that I'm watching for it. And you did an excellent job incorporating the moments she gave us and letting Haymitch see other instances, even with his filter. (I'm thinking of when he thinks Peeta looks subdued, though I know there were others.) I can't even imagine planning the play Peeta is; I'd be begging the adults to let me stay up with them and just watch crazy movies or something. And I love that Peeta comes about as close as he can, lingering to indulge his curiosity about the ointment. There must be so many moments Haymitch looks back on fondly while he's in the arena, that one being high on the list, because those are the sort of curious questions Haymitch would've had. And oh Peeta, your casual mention of a possible Career alliance; I'm curious: was he wondering if Haymitch would have the clout to get into a formal alliance with them, or has he been observing and realized they're not really Haymitch's people and was asking if they'd have personality clashes?

The bit in EOTW where Haymitch considered the sacrifice play for Maysilee must really be niggling at his consciousness, with what Peeta is doing, and I loved how you showed that with his once again telling him he had options; he knows how scary contemplating leaping off that cliff really is. Do you actually think Peeta had options at this point, or was it that deeply buried idealistic streak of Haymitch's talking?

Also loved seeing the way Haymitch thought out calming Kattniss down and the reasons behind her fury even as he was doing it; just a really cool bit of inner monologue. And a really interesting inclusion of Drake; I hadn't considered before that the gender role she's taking on in her family might be a large part of her views about relationships. *needs to ponder that more*

And Finn; you just continue to be awesome, and the Haymitch/Finn friendship continues to make me grin hugely; Finn is one of the few people who could've not gotten snapped at for what he did.

And Maysilee, you must be so happy in the afterlife: Donnerism is retaking a tiny foothold!

As for the "equity scale" I'm assumming they actually did give all the Districts different price lists; they just priced Twelve's at the higher end of the scale, even though, while their pledges were large, they didn't actually warrant it? Typical Gamemaker shenanogans?























fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: September 3rd, 2014 04:49 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Feedback

I'm actually going to namecheck the Donnerism conversation later on, as Haymitch's brain tries to tell him to at least have the spine to try making it work for both kids.

Yes, all the districts got different price lists, based on a sliding scale from pre-Games pledges. I definitely call Gamemaker shenanigans, or even Snow shenanigans, because I doubt everyone believes that mockingjay is harmless.

Poor Cecelia, yes. What most likely happened was someone taunting her, the way Clove taunted Katniss about Rue, during a fight, and it's been re-written as a vengeance spree.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: September 3rd, 2014 04:45 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Catches

With Finnick's line, he's stressing not just the particular people, but "This is a message from the people being sold to rich Capitolites."

I changed gouges to "furrows" -- more of a sliced up feel than a dug-out one. Given that Peeta's hands are never mentioned again after that night, I'm guessing that the cuts were superficial and healed quickly, but just bled a lot.
13 comments or Leave a comment