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The Big Empty: Chapter Six - The Phantom Librarian — LiveJournal
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
fernwithy
fernwithy
The Big Empty: Chapter Six
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From: queen_bellatrix Date: March 2nd, 2015 04:35 am (UTC) (Link)

Some Possible Catches

Will try and leave proper feedback, aside from my Duronda digression below ASAP, but here're a few things I caught for now:

girls and the other Think you may need a comma after girls, and from what IE's showing, there may be an extra space after and.

came into the came Think the second came should be camp.

say back what the kinds of things Not sure if this is a syntax thing, or if it should either be what kinds of things or the kinds of things?

She declares four Not sure who the she being referred to here is; I'm guessing Misty, but Corabel was the last one who spoke.

I'd pretty popular Think you're missing a be before pretty.

Don't you parents Think you should be your.

luckily, not with any of us Not quite sure if this is syntax, or if the with here is an odd edit survivor.

anything's that's hanging Am almost certain the that's instead of that're was a deliberate play on what he'd said, but thought I'd mention on the off chance I was wrong. (That bit of the chapter was the first time since the middle of HT where I had to skim to the end of the chapter and make sure everyone was relatively okay before I could go back and finish. Powerful and horrifying, both for the incident itself and for the foreshadowing of the incident no one actually did stop. I adore your Duronda, but there were moments in this that I was gnawing my lip because an abrasive woman who takes no crap and is sexually confident would be irresistible prey to a psychopath like Glass.)

Just a personal clarification, but I'm assuming that when Effrim says they went far away from the jabberjays and the guards, they went out of earshot but not out of sightline with the goggles, which's why no one attacked them?
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: March 2nd, 2015 05:46 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Some Possible Catches

Got 'em, thanks.

Yeah, Glass would find it infuriating that Duronda is who she is, and he'd want to put her her in place. I hope (and believe) that after it, she found ways to keep him in his place, and away from their daughter.
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