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I do not drink... coffee - The Phantom Librarian
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
I do not drink... coffee
After revelling in the return of Law and Order for about five hours tonight, I just left the TV on, and it started playing a movie called Dracula 2000. A part of me feels that I should be outraged, but this thing is as much fun as the worst Suefics going. Because, er... it's a really, really hilariously bad Suefic. I've had a fit of giggles since Lucy offered Dracula coffee and he riffed the famous wine-line with, "I do not drink... coffee."

Because, you know, there's a longstanding connection between coffee and blood which the line is capitalizing on. Or maybe it's that it's after one in the morning. I don't know. But the thing has me giggling. It's immediately followed by a sex scene in which the lovers (Dracula and Lucy, of course), entwined in red silk sheets, are rolling around on the ceiling. His eyes turn red.

But that's not even in the Sue-errific part.

Oh, no. Not at all. You see, Van Helsing has realized that--despite Stoker, who was just writing a novel sort of based on events apparently--Dracula can't be killed, and has vowed not to die until he figures out how to actually rid the world of Dracula. So he's been injecting himself with blood from Dracula's coffin (apparently, he captured Drac at some point and kept him in a coffin in a locked vault). Now, he has a daughter, and Drac wants to come back to life just to be with her, because she shares part of his life force (or something; I'm laughing too hard to really follow it). She has had nightmares about him her whole life. Her mother took her away from her father and moved her to New Orleans. She now works at Virgin records (with the T-shirt identifying her handily as "Virgin," natch) and Drac is just out to get her.

Mary Van Helsing (if that's her name, and I suppose it must be--and no, her name really is Mary, I'm not just calling her that because of Mary Sue, but it so works) rejects her father and is taking care of her friend Lucy, and is psychically connected to ol' Drac and...

Oh, and now she's sneaking up to Lucy's apartment by herself at night, even though she knows her dreams are getting more intense. And...


Dracula has spawned more badfic than anything, I think. It's in the public domain. I should do Dracfic. I can't possibly do worse than the dozens of other people who actually get paid for it.

But I think people have come to expect the Sues.

Oops, Van Helsing's dead. I think Mary may have to solve the entire Drac problem by herself!

EDIT: Oh, she just got rescued by the rogue-ish antique dealer employed by her father. :giggles:

Sigh. Oh, well. I keep waiting for really good Drac fanfic to hit the screen. There should be room for it; it's a good mythos. But in the meantime, I'll settle for amusing myself with this silliness.

I feel a bit...: amused highly amused
Soundtrack: Dracula 2000 on TNT

14 comments or Leave a comment
laureate05 From: laureate05 Date: May 14th, 2005 05:41 am (UTC) (Link)
You have no idea how much guilty pleasure I derive from this movie. I can't even remember why, but a friend of mine insisted we see it in the theater. We had giggle-fits, but had to concede that the cast was rather good-looking...maybe that's why we went to see it to begin with.

I never thought of it as a Mary Sue because that wasn't a term in my vocabulary at the time, so you have provided another facet of enjoyment for me. I won't "spoil" the ending for you, but it is so ricockulous, you may disrupt your neighbors.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: May 14th, 2005 05:54 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, I've enjoyed the (Spoiler)Judas Iscariot thing fully. Talk about, "Hey, let's ignore canon!" And she's a'flyin! Hee-hee-hee...
laureate05 From: laureate05 Date: May 14th, 2005 05:57 am (UTC) (Link)
Personally, I think the death by neon cross is the best part. It's so delightfully tacky, yet utterly without class.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: May 14th, 2005 06:02 am (UTC) (Link)


Man, I actually like to see religious symbology used in horror in an effective way, but oh, man... That wins the most sublimely stupid use of religious symbology ever. I mean, it's not offensive except in its stupidity--the symbols are used in a positive way--but oh, dear heaven. And the electric cord... and...

Oh, lord. Sue, Sue, Sue!

Please tell me this won a Razzie. I've never seen such a deserving nominee. (Or, well, at least never sat all the way through one.)
laureate05 From: laureate05 Date: May 14th, 2005 06:34 am (UTC) (Link)
I just looked it up, and, surprisingly, it wasn't even nominated for a Razzie. The year it would have been nominated was the year "Freddy Got Fingered" won, so even if it has been nominated, it wouldn't have stood much of a chance.

But I think "Dracula 2000" comes too close to the line of so-bad-it's-good. If you have any kind of sense of humor, anyway.
duncatra From: duncatra Date: May 14th, 2005 05:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Did you ever read Kim Newman's Anno-Dracula books? I suppose one could consider the lead vampire heroine a Sue... but then, almost everyone else is a vampire, too. It's been a year or so since I last read them, and I didn't really get a huge Sue-vibe.

I'd give them a try.
moonlinnet From: moonlinnet Date: May 14th, 2005 05:51 am (UTC) (Link)
I saw that! Well, I looked at the info, cracked up, and changed the channel to CSI. Which I regret, because it creeped me out. =)

alphabet26 From: alphabet26 Date: May 14th, 2005 06:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Tangentially related, have you read Sherlock Holmes vs. Dracula: The Adventure of the Sanguinary Count? I'm not really a fan of Holmes or Dracula, but I enjoyed the book and understood what was going on. The mixing of the two was great, especially when Holmes realized he was actually dealing with a vampire, and when Watson was indignant that he and Holmes were left out of Stoker's telling of the Dracula story.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: May 14th, 2005 06:41 am (UTC) (Link)
No, but I'm totally going to look that up.

I do love fanfic that people get paid for.
lazypadawan From: lazypadawan Date: May 14th, 2005 06:59 am (UTC) (Link)
I rented this on DVD years ago. It was hilarious, especially Drac and Lucy having sex on the ceiling. Apparently someone thought this would be a really cool idea.
From: fungus_files Date: May 14th, 2005 06:59 am (UTC) (Link)
whatever you do, don't find yourself in front of Dracula 3000 - no guilty pleasure, just traumatic acting and not-even-so-bad-it's-good dialogue! ;)
lannamichaels From: lannamichaels Date: May 14th, 2005 04:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
*snickers* I've seen Drac2000 way too many times. I like it, in the overthetop SO BAD way. It's my major guilty pleasure. I watch it when I'm feeling depressed.

And, my god, Gerry Butler can do curls.
veryshortlist From: veryshortlist Date: May 14th, 2005 05:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
I sat through half of that movie before flipping the channel, out of boredom. Dracula Dead and Loving it is clearly the best Dracula movie.

The thing that I noticed was that the guy from That 70's Show was in D2000, and I kept waiting for him to break out the pot and get everyone stoned. Was very disappointed when this did not happen.
cordeliadelayne From: cordeliadelayne Date: May 14th, 2005 10:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's one of those films where you can't believe people actually got paid for it. My only interest in seeing it when it came on tv here in the UK was that when I was studying in New Orleans I saw them filming some of it. Otherwise I would have definitely avoided it!
14 comments or Leave a comment