FernWithy (fernwithy) wrote,
FernWithy
fernwithy

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I do not drink... coffee

After revelling in the return of Law and Order for about five hours tonight, I just left the TV on, and it started playing a movie called Dracula 2000. A part of me feels that I should be outraged, but this thing is as much fun as the worst Suefics going. Because, er... it's a really, really hilariously bad Suefic. I've had a fit of giggles since Lucy offered Dracula coffee and he riffed the famous wine-line with, "I do not drink... coffee."

Because, you know, there's a longstanding connection between coffee and blood which the line is capitalizing on. Or maybe it's that it's after one in the morning. I don't know. But the thing has me giggling. It's immediately followed by a sex scene in which the lovers (Dracula and Lucy, of course), entwined in red silk sheets, are rolling around on the ceiling. His eyes turn red.

But that's not even in the Sue-errific part.

Oh, no. Not at all. You see, Van Helsing has realized that--despite Stoker, who was just writing a novel sort of based on events apparently--Dracula can't be killed, and has vowed not to die until he figures out how to actually rid the world of Dracula. So he's been injecting himself with blood from Dracula's coffin (apparently, he captured Drac at some point and kept him in a coffin in a locked vault). Now, he has a daughter, and Drac wants to come back to life just to be with her, because she shares part of his life force (or something; I'm laughing too hard to really follow it). She has had nightmares about him her whole life. Her mother took her away from her father and moved her to New Orleans. She now works at Virgin records (with the T-shirt identifying her handily as "Virgin," natch) and Drac is just out to get her.

Mary Van Helsing (if that's her name, and I suppose it must be--and no, her name really is Mary, I'm not just calling her that because of Mary Sue, but it so works) rejects her father and is taking care of her friend Lucy, and is psychically connected to ol' Drac and...

Oh, and now she's sneaking up to Lucy's apartment by herself at night, even though she knows her dreams are getting more intense. And...

Snerk.

Dracula has spawned more badfic than anything, I think. It's in the public domain. I should do Dracfic. I can't possibly do worse than the dozens of other people who actually get paid for it.

But I think people have come to expect the Sues.

Oops, Van Helsing's dead. I think Mary may have to solve the entire Drac problem by herself!

EDIT: Oh, she just got rescued by the rogue-ish antique dealer employed by her father. :giggles:

Sigh. Oh, well. I keep waiting for really good Drac fanfic to hit the screen. There should be room for it; it's a good mythos. But in the meantime, I'll settle for amusing myself with this silliness.
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