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Deliberate badfic... :facepalm: - The Phantom Librarian
Spewing out too many words since November 2003
Deliberate badfic... :facepalm:
Yikes. The Buffybot was badfic that I tried to make good. For mctabby's challenge, I deliberately wrote badfic.

It burns us, precious.

Explanatory note: mctabby does the spectacular "Summary Executions," in which she collects the worst fanfic summaries she can find. For fun, she suggested we make up bad summaries, then swap them to each other to generate really suckarific stories today. Here's my entry. G-d help me.

Title: The Mark of Snape
Summary: Alsiria Morgana Bloodwynter is the exotic (and erotic!) knew DADA prof! Severus Snape (sexy potions master), a mysterious letter, and a talking thestral will join her in her adventues! Romace and smut!
Summary written by: theladyfeylene
Rating/warnings: R-for-Romace! Oh, and there's some killing, but just at the beginning.
Author's Note: Yeah, um, okay, so this is enspired from The Mask of Zorro, which is a todally HOTT movie even if it's old, and I think that Snape looks like Antonyo Bendaris, except his hair is strate and not all messy and curly and stuff, and he talks English with an England accent instead of a Mexico one. England accents are SO HOTTTTT!!!!one1! Alsiria looks just like that girl from the movie who married that old guy. You know, the one with the black hair? But she's not his daughter! (LOL)

15 yrs. ago
"No!" Alsiria yelled loudly, running out across the dessert (A/N, I don't know where she is in England, but I figure there's got to be a dessert, right?) and grabbing the bad man's robe. "My parents!"

But it was too late. The bad man killed her parents. They were bleeding and she saw them die. She cried and cried. And then the bad man picked her up and threw her over the saddle of a horse and he would ahve taken her away, but just at that moment, she looked up and saw him flying down from above the mission, and he landed there, right against the sunset.


Light flashed from his wand, and the horses scattered, and the bad men ran off after them. Alsiria Morgana Bloodwynter looked up toward where her rescure had been, but he was gone, flying off on his funny looking flying horse. She looked down at the ground. Burned into the sand--it was glass now, on account of the sand melting--was the mysterious letter "S."




(A/N: see, the divider is two roses and crossed swords wands!!!)


Alsiria was a prostitute for a long time, because she was an orphan and didn't know how to do anyting else, and they wouldn't let her go to Hogwarts on account of no one knowing who rescued her, so she might have been bad and all. But later, she got a job doing exotic dancing, which was lots better, and also making erotic cards that moved.

It was horrible, but she was very, very strong, and she never cried about it. (A/N: You can, though!)

She never meant to become teh DADA teacher. It was just that after all there was a big battle at the Ministry, her boss tried to rape her, and she fought him off, using only wandless magic, finally casting a Killing Curse by flicking her wrist. The room went all green.

And when it fadded, Prof. Dumbledore came inside and said, "Alsiria Morgana Bloodwynter, you really do have mad defense skillz, and we lost another DADA teacher, so why don't you come and teach?"

Alsiria packed her bags rite away, because it would be lots more fun than making erotic pictures. She followed Dumbledore on the train, where all the boy students looked at her because she was so sexy, and maybe because they had pictures of her in their wallets.

"Most teachers don't need to be Sorted," Dumbledore said, "but we're missing a head of house, so let's see if you're who we need." He gave her the Sorting Hat and it said, "Gryffindor!" so Alsiria became head of Gryffindor House (Magonigal didn't feel like doing it anymore, on account of being so old).

They had a party for her that night in the teacher's quarters, and Magonigal gave her the keys to Gryffindor, and Dumbledore said she'd be the best DADA teacher ever. Lupin, who had come by for the party, said that was definitely true. And that was when the door open and the sexxy Potions master came in.

In the Great Hall, he was wearing big, bulky robs, so that she couldn't see what he looked like. Now, he was wearing tight black leather paints, high-healed black boots, and a ruffled white shirt that was unbottoned halfway down his broad and musselled chest. He strode into the teachers' Common Room and came strate to Alsiria. He sat down beside her and whispered, "I'm glad to see you grew up all rite. I've worried about you all these years."

"Why would yuo--" And then she saw it, just as he moved. Beneath the beautiful white silk of his shirt, just barely visible, was the mysterious letter "S," just like she'd seen the day he rescued her!

"It was you!" she said.

"It was me." He said. "Sorry I coudn't say anything, but everyone thought I was a Death Eater then, and I had to keep up appearances, and I knew I'd have to pretend again someday, so I still couldn't say it."

"It's okay," Alsiria said. "I made out."

Snape nodded. "Good. You're very beautiful. Will you meet me in the Forbidden Dessert tonight?"

"Sure. Where is it?"

"The other side of hte Forbidden Forest. Even Hagrid hasn't made it that deep into the Forest, but you shouldn't have any problem. Just follow my mark. And you'll find help!"

With that, he disappeared.

Alsiria enjoyed the rest of her party, and danced with Dumbledore to "Rest in Peace," from the Buffy musical, and did a strip tease for Flitwick to the tune of "Oops, I did it again!" (A/N: 'Cause she's still erotic and everything.) After the rest of the teachers went up to their dormitories, Alsiria put on her Invisibility Cloak and snuck down to the Forbidden Forest.

She followed the mysterious "S" sine into the woods, having to kill a couple of spiders and stuff on the way, but she came to a clearing after awhile, and suddenly heard someone say, "You've gotten here. I'll take you the rest of the way."

She looked around. All there was was a thestral, but unlike most thestrals, he was very pretty, with hair and mussels instead of just skin on bones.

He nodded. "Yes, I'm talking. My name is Toronado (A/N: Like Zorro's horse!). I've been Severus Snape's pet thestral for years. You saw me once a long time ago. I'll take you to the Forbiddne Dessert now. Climb aboard."

So Alsiria climbed onto Toronoda's back and off he flew. After awhiel, they're was a break in the trees, and lots of rolling sand, and a little town. Standing in the middle of the little town was Severus Snape, wearing a mask and a long cape.

"Welcome to the Forbidden Dessert," he said as she got off Taranoodo's back. The thestral flew away. (A/N, to my that person who flamed me, see I told you I didn't forget about the thestral. He floo away. Duh.)

"It's beautiful," Alsiria said. "Just like home."

"I know. I've never forgotten your home." (A/N: Hey, is there a British person who could tell me where there's a desert that Alsiria coud be from? Thnx.) Snape sighed and touched her arm. "You have grown up as beautiful as it was."

"Do you think so, really? I've always felt so filthy and dirty, being a prostitiute and everything."

"Oh, you're not dirty. The world is dirty. You're beautiful. Sex is beautiful. Let me show you how beautiful."

So they had sex in the middle of the Forbidden Dessert, with the stars above them, and he was so big inside her, but really, really gentle and sweet, and he cuddled her afterward and asked her to marry him. And since she was already pregant--she had magic, so she knew for sure--she said yes.

Being wizards, they didn't need to have anyone else make them married. He just waved his wand, and the letter "S" appeared on her chest, just like it was on his. He kissed it and then they did it again.

After they were done, the thestral Tornando came again, and they flew back to Hogwarts. The adventues were just beginning!

I feel a bit...: amused amused
Soundtrack: Buffy soundtrack (as you may guess by Dumbledore's taste)

19 comments or Leave a comment
thunderemerald From: thunderemerald Date: May 29th, 2004 05:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
My brain hurts.

I think that was a compliment.
lazypadawan From: lazypadawan Date: May 29th, 2004 05:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
That was funny! Hee hee, Forbidden Dessert.

I took a look at Summary Executions...even though I'm not in HP fandom, I know bad fic when I see it. I was literally in tears reading these things. In fact, I'm coughing from laughing so much.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: May 29th, 2004 06:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
I made the mistake of reading them at my desk at work. I don't know how red I must have gotten trying not to laugh out loud.
akilika From: akilika Date: May 29th, 2004 05:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
That was . . . absolutely painful. @.@ Which I guess mean that it was successful, right? Still . . . ow.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: May 29th, 2004 06:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
Tell me about it. I'm the one whose name is attached!!!! :p
gail_b From: gail_b Date: May 29th, 2004 06:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, jeeze. That was really bad...but I know you meant it to be that way, so it was good.

Do people really write fics that are that awful? I suppose so, eh?
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: May 29th, 2004 06:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, yeah. It would be a comforting idea for that to be entirely from whole cloth, but no... there's precedent.
From: anatomiste Date: May 29th, 2004 06:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
...she never cried about it. (A/N: You can, though!)

Oh, I did.
malabud From: malabud Date: May 29th, 2004 06:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
So, um, does the Forbidden Dessert have chocolate in it? Maybe some ice cream and nuts? Yum.

Erm. Congratulations on truly cringe-worthy badfic. I look forward to no more of it from you, ever. Ever. Seriously, my sides ache from laughing from all the badfic cliches, although the smut--if it can even be called smut, it was so brief--was mercifully short. Also, what is it with all these noble prostitutes in badfic? I just don't get it.

So, uh, when's the next part of Shifts going to be done?
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: May 29th, 2004 06:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
Soon. Dear Lord, I have to get the taste of badfic out of my mouth.

I have a better challenge fic to finish first (it's due Tuesday), and I want to sit down and just finish the Tonks Sort, but other than that, nothing in the way of Shifts. I'm anticipating Tuesday night.
jiminyc From: jiminyc Date: May 29th, 2004 06:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh wow...was that fun to write or was it just painful in the extreme? (I particularly loved the author's notes!) However, after reading that...I feel compelled to leave a review like this:

omg! best story ever! rite more, plz? i think snape is HOTT, too! u should do a sequel where snape is in other antoneo bandraes movies like desperado he wuz SO kewl in that and snape could have a guitar that was also a wand. anywya, rite more or i'll kill you! just kidding.
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: May 29th, 2004 06:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh wow...was that fun to write or was it just painful in the extreme?

Yes. :p
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: May 29th, 2004 06:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, and,

Yah, Antonyo is so TEH HOT! Nxt tme--"Eveda," so they can do a tango!
myf From: myf Date: May 29th, 2004 09:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
*shakes head* Nooooo.

You know what, though? Your skill is such that there were moments in that where I could TELL you were aching from writing that dross. It was very skilfully done, though. And just imagine, badfic 'authors' attain that level of brilliance each time they sit down to write! The mind boggles.
volandum From: volandum Date: May 30th, 2004 06:22 am (UTC) (Link)
Actually, there is a conveniently situated desert in the UK. Some call it Trafalgar Square.
atropos87 From: atropos87 Date: May 30th, 2004 08:22 am (UTC) (Link)
Bwah ha ha!

This is my favourite line:

She followed Dumbledore on the train, where all the boy students looked at her because she was so sexy, and maybe because they had pictures of her in their wallets.

katinka31 From: katinka31 Date: May 30th, 2004 12:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hee hee hee. :D

I dare you to post that to ff.net (under a pseudonym, if you wish).
fernwithy From: fernwithy Date: May 30th, 2004 12:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
There's actually a question on the table to submit all of the challenge answers under a shared pseudonym just to see what kinds of reviews they'd get. EEEK.

If I'm going to keep posting to hp100 as a Gryffindor, I should probably not refuse a dare... but I'll wait and see how the group submission idea works out.
mafdet From: mafdet Date: May 30th, 2004 01:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants!

If Antonio Banderas had been cast as Snape...Alan Rickman has launched a thousand fanon Snapes, I shudder to think of the stories Banderas would inspire...

And the "noble prostitute" - were you perchance inspired by those "Remus Lupin was a male prostitute" fics?
19 comments or Leave a comment